


in the middle of a chain reaction

by theprincessed



Series: in the middle of a chain reaction (mpreg 'verse) [1]
Category: Emmerdale RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Barebacking, Cesarean Section, Discussion of Abortion, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, M/M, Medical Trauma, Mpreg, Nightmares, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Parenthood, Pregnant Sex, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:20:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprincessed/pseuds/theprincessed
Summary: In one passionate, reckless moment, every decision has consequences.None moreso for Ryan Hawley - actor, boyfriend and a man harbouring the secret ability to conceive.Shock, uncertainty, pain and joy makes Ryan and Danny's journey something that will change their lives forever.





	1. SHOCK

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TurquoiseTerrier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurquoiseTerrier/gifts).



> Hahahahaha. Ha. Ha.
> 
> Y'know that thing I always say about somehow my rpf fic a lot of the time being niche and only 0.1% will read it? Yeah, that's probably gonna happen here, but I need you to help out as well! This was only meant to be a silly little ficlet where I knew the ending and I built around it, but I was encouraged to write more and now I've planned out roughly two extra parts. I need you to comment or hit that kudos button if you want to see those because I haven't written them yet and I'm nervous about this. I've never written this genre before!
> 
> Entirely the fault of [THIS](http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5cjxjm_danny-and-ryan-robron-wedding-interviews_people) interview with Danny and Ryan discussing - among other things - a future Robron baby. Ryan is confused how that would work (took it literally, bless him) and Danny told him he was getting pregnant. Fine, but Ryan didn't have to do a 'bump' hand movement and basically set my brain in motion!
> 
> Lol, let me know what you think. :) Hope you enjoy x

They're frantically kissing on the bed, lying across it because they too caught up in each other to make sure there was a pillow under their heads and a headboard to grab onto when Ryan reaches for Danny instead, having let him strip his boxers clean off his legs before he clambered on top of him again to grind down with his hips and feel Ryan cling to him. As they rock together, Danny's t-shirt moves up his back and Ryan puts one hand past the hem to touch his shoulderblades and the other straight into Danny's underwear, covering his arse with a desperate, greedy squeeze. It presses their bodies close and Ryan tips his head back on the sheets because Danny's so hard and he wants him so much he's physically hot with it, breaking out into a sweat that only going to get worse when they really get to it. Unable to kiss his mouth anymore, Danny shifts his lips to his neck and Ryan clenches his teeth, jaw working wildly, as he nips at a spot along his jugular, his strong pulse beating enough that he can probably feel it against where he's biting and soothing with his tongue.

“You want it?” Danny asks in his ear, gravel-voiced, “Want me to fuck you? Look at you, so desperate,”

“Your - ” he pauses, his mouth too dry, and he licks his lips as their hips constantly thrust, “Your fault for winding me up,”

Danny makes a murmured, pleased noise and wriggles a hand between them to brush fingers over Ryan's naked dick to make him squirm, “Mmm, I do like that, yeah. Need ya horny for me, gonna fuck you so good,”

“Now, please, 'm ready,” he begs, delirious already with how good Danny feels surrounding him, touching him, and still craving more.

“Well, since you asked so nicely...” he smirks, leaving a light kiss on his chin, “Always so polite, such manners.”

Thighs straddling Ryan's waist, he kneels up to cross his arms and pull his t-shirt over his head. It gives Ryan a great view of his biceps, something he's really worked on in recent months and he can't just lie there, so he grabs the waistband of his boxers and yanks them down to his knees, Danny's cock springing free. His hand travels up his leg, to his hip and almost gets to curl around the base of his erection, soft trimmed hair against his fingers and reminding him of the scruff on Danny's face and the occasional times his nose has been pressed to his pubic bone as he deepthroats, but Danny is quick in leaning over their bedside table and straightening up again, knocking Ryan's hand away from his body because right now he's apparently in charge. He doesn't mind, but he wants Danny without a stitch of clothing and between his legs, ready to put that gorgeous cock where he wants it most, so he leans up on an elbow and bends his knees to half sit up to able to snatch the lube from him.

“I'll do it,” he says in a low rumble, lifting his chin to gesture with raised eyebrows to the boxers stuck around Danny's knees.

He lies flat and spreads his thighs, one hand holding the lube with the lid open. Just as he strokes two wet fingers down his hole, he feels the bed jostle and Danny's face come back into view above him. He steadies his hand against Danny's waist to keep him there and drops the lube to the sheets, enough on his skin to easily tuck his fingers inside himself. He sees Danny's eyes dilate and his mouth fall slack, grunting when Ryan uses the hand that had been in his arse to grabs Danny's cock. He pumps fast and vigorous for a moment, getting him slippery, then angles his hips up, relaxing with a frustrated sigh seconds later when he decides he needs the leverage of something under him. Danny's still oblivious, so Ryan quickly takes one of their pillows and wedges it below his back, returning to Danny's cock as his breathing picks up in anticipation. Both of them slick but entirely unprepared, he teases the erection to his hole and bears down, squeezing the rest of Danny in his fist as his body tries to give away inch by inch. It seems to be what brings Danny back from the idea of having great sex.

“Ryan, wait – we haven't - ” he says, breathless.

“I don't care,” he hisses darkly, mouth a determined line, as he rubs himself up against Danny for a second time.

“Fuck, okay,” he croaks with feeling and brackets Ryan in with his arms as he helps guide his dick into him.

It's a tight fit and Ryan's trying hard not to let on but Danny knows and even though he feels his cockhead sink in, he twitches like he's going to pull out but Ryan's hand pushes at his lower back. “No, stay, I'm fine. Just...take it easy.”

Danny leans down for a lingering kiss, rolling his hips gently to push further with nothing between them to fuck Ryan bare. They've never done it before and he'll admit inside his own head that he got carried away and then couldn't shake the idea as he watched the man in front of him reveal more and more of his body to his hungry eyes. They didn't need to stop for anything and he moans, brought back to the present, when Danny's hand crushes the lube and upends the bottle on where they're joined, cold making him clench.

“Sorry,” he says as Danny tenses in reaction, but he's biting down on his grin and feeling mischievous, sparkly-eyed. He shuts his eyes and folds his legs around Danny, caging him in, as he starts to move properly, the extra slide particularly glorious. “Yeah, that's it,” he encourages, lifting his arms to hold onto the sheets. He sees Danny's eyes flash dangerously, “Oh, you feel so good,”

He can feel the full length of him now and Danny starts to pick up a steady rhythm and pace, listening to the noises he's pulling from Ryan and adjusting. There's white-hot pleasure sparking in a two-way street along his spine and he wants more, wants it harder and to make Danny take his orgasm from him, so he meets him thrust for thrust until his hand lowers to Danny's arse. He squeezes and hears the grunt along with resisting Ryan pulling him closer, a pressure on his stomach as Danny's fingers splay there to keep him upright. Ryan imagines he can feel his dick working him open from there, irrational as it may be, and is hit strongly by how Danny is touching him, firm but reverent. Suddenly, through all the pants and groans and kisses, Danny's movements turn erratic and urgent and he senses there's not much time left.

“Come on, baby,” he soothes, both of them with hot, flushed faces and sweaty chests, “Love your dick – wanna – wanna suck you, gonna taste me on you,”

“Oh _god_ , Ryan!” he cries out, trembling.

He's on the edge and about to pull out, but Ryan grabs his bristly face between both his big hands and won't let go, his limbs holding him like a vice. “Stay,” he repeats from earlier, now intensely soft and serious. Their mouths brush yet hang open and they're reduced to breathing the same air. “Come inside me,” he whispers lowly against Danny's lips.

He whimpers brokenly as their orgasms take over, Ryan shuddering through his whilst Danny is still coming, There's mess on his stomach now and he runs two fingers over it, both of them blurting the last when Danny brazenly ducks his head to lick his knuckles clean. It's almost what could make him want to be fucked again, but they're breathing hard and currently spent and he wraps his arms around his boyfriend's upper body to press them togeher, come smeared on their skin. Eventually, Danny relaxes with tiredness and Ryan smiles and drops a kiss to his fluffier hair.

“What the hell was that?” Danny mumbles into his chest after some companionable quiet to come down from the ceiling.

Ryan waits until he glances up to give him a wanton look, dimples popping cheekily. “Are you complaining?”

“No.”

The answer is simple and amusingly quick to be spoken, so Ryan hugs him tighter, not ready for him to leave for the shower yet. His eyes are slipping closed before he can stop them.

\---

A fortnight later, Ryan's on set with Danny at Bob's cafe for the first time since Aaron's release from prison. It's a sweet, comforting scene of two people slowly getting back to normality and it still made Ryan smile as he looked over his script for the last time in the dressing room that morning. He's come to love working in sets that aren't Home Farm a lot more since the community feel of the village has returned and no doubt Tony will have some of Bob's one liners to interject as he crosses between characters' storylines.

Danny's sat across from him in one of the comfy chairs and his fingertips brush Ryan's knee. He jerks, feeling it like an electric shock, as if his sensitivity is turned up to eleven. Sometimes he'll do it in bed and Ryan wonders whether one being almost ticklish compared to the other is down to the surgery he had just before they shot the wedding episodes. 

Danny's grinning at him now because he's a little shit at the best of times, but they have to school their features into neutral expressions when the director asks for quiet. They can look as in love as they want because it works whether they're on screen or not, even if they're not as tactile when being Robert and Aaron.

They act their dialogue then do some background acting before Tony as Bob sidles up to their seats with two cups in his hand.

“A tea,” he says grandly, placing one cup down in front of Danny before turning to Ryan, “and one excellent Americano, for the newlyweds 'cause, y'know, you can't have one without the other. You're like...fish and chips!” he exclaims excitedly, pointing, “Or Ant & Dec! No, that doesn't work, they're just mates...Chuckle Brothers? Even worse,” he stops his muttering, doing the most with comedic flair as always and brightens, “I'll work on it. Nice to have you back, Aaron.”

Tony walks off and Ryan knows they have more dialogue, but suddenly he can't concentrate. His eyes are fixed on the black coffee in front of him and his nose twitches. It smells different, kind of not quite right and the noise around him sounds muted, as if he is stuck underwater. A worrying mix of panic and nausea flows through his body and Danny's hand lands on his, his senses sharpened to pick out the contact. His gaze flicks up and he looks concerned, his mouth moving but Ryan can't hear the words. His face heats as his breathing increases.

“Sorry, can I just – I feel - ” he tries, feeling sick and no escape without embarrassing himself.

It seems the director has already called cut before Danny started talking to him as he shouts to the crew about getting Ryan some water. It's in his shaky hand in the blink of an eye and he takes small sips, struggling not to notice the worry still in Danny's blue eyes, the rest of his face a picture of calm and in control because it's not the first time something like this has happened. Two days ago, he'd end up on the floor of their bathroom, wishing death on himself and Japan as he figured the sushi he'd had for lunch was the problem and conveniently ignoring the fact that Danny had eaten the same.

Thankfully, this time at work isn't so horrible and the water helps to ease the queasiness. He pushes the cup of black coffee more towards Danny's side of the table and Danny stares at him carefully, his hand still laced with the one Ryan's not using to grip the water glass, then calls over a runner.

“Get rid of it.” he says firmly, brooking no argument and Ryan bites down hard on his lips to keep from contradicting him, that he doesn't have to do this and he doesn't have to sound so protective over a cup of damn coffee, but a bigger part of him wants it as far away as possible. He takes a deep breath in when the runner does as she's told and the strong scent disappears. Danny waits for him to take another drink then lets go of his hand to tip the water into the clean, empty cup the runner had left behind instead. “No one will ever know.” he says, with a cute smile.

Ryan's chest sparks painfully, wonderfully, and he has to hold back from vaulting over the table to kiss him.

He's not sure his stomach could take the bold move anyway.

\---

“I'll never get tired of this,” Danny sighs happily, wriggling into position with his head resting on Ryan's flung out arm and his shoulder tucked into his sweaty armpit as they lay side by side. In fact, they're sweaty all over but Ryan's trying not to let it ruin the post-coital glow.

He kisses Danny's temple. “I should hope not, otherwise I'm losing my touch,”

“I very much doubt that,” he grins, turning to roll into Ryan's side.

He tips his chin up, inviting for a kiss, and his hand rests against Ryan's chest as their lips meet, slow and satiated. Still it doesn't stop Danny from running his hand down between his pecs and over his ribs, mapping each one with light strokes. It's too early to go again, but they kiss open-mouthed anyway, tongues caressing, until he presses at Ryan's stomach. Eyes shut, he frowns and tries to grab Danny's hand because he seems a little softer around the middle these days and doesn't know how to feel about. So what if he's tried a few extra crunches every morning for the last few months? If anything, it's been getting worse since the black coffee incident at work and he hisses as Danny tweaks his peaked nipple like a reprimand before straying back down to his belly. He pushes and kneads and moans into Ryan's mouth like he's getting off on it except he's gripped with the thought that if Danny keeps this up then he might just wet himself.

It comes out of nowhere and he flips their positions in a panic, glad when Danny is beneath him and away from his stomach. He feels heavy and bloated and just to make sure Danny doesn't get any ideas, he catches hold of his wrists and shoves them over Danny's head and into the pillow. He blinks up at Ryan innocently, all baby blues, but his legs tell another story as they come up around Ryan's waist, sticking their bodies together.

“Wait, get off,” he pleads, already relieved when Danny moves his legs despite the confusion written all over his face. “Need to pee,”

Danny scoffs, relaxing, as he watches Ryan scramble out of bed naked to the en-suite. He follows him around the room, turning onto his side. “Maybe you're getting old?!” Ryan halts at the door even though he doesn't want to, unusually hurt by his words. He knows it's silly and for some reason he's not thinking rationally and luckily Danny clocks it. “I'm joking. You're not old, just older than me. And you _know_ how much I like that.”

He winks, Ryan pulls a small smile from somewhere and makes it to the bathroom in time.

Danny tries to finish the second round of what they started when he crawls back into the warmth of their bed with his mind working double time to figure out how he's going to say that he's not really in the mood anymore. _Old old old_ keeps reverberating around his head and he moves so that when Danny kisses him it lands clumsily on the corner of his mouth. He makes himself yawn, hating how disconnected he feels from himself and now the one person he can usually tell everything. He feels different and he can't quite pinpoint why and he fears it's going to slowly drive him mad.

“I'm sorry,” he blinks, eyes hurting as he forces down a towering wall of emotion that has no right to be there. “It's not you, it's...”

Lost for words, he leans in as Danny sits up on his forearm and strokes his thumb to his cheek. “Okay. It's okay.” he soothes, reading Ryan's mind because the last thing he wants is to take whatever this is out on him. He's not like Robert, he hates fighting.

Calmer, he finds he's not up for cuddling either and rolls away from Danny, feeling cold with no clothes on but too all over the place to coordinate himself to put some on. He pulls the sheets to his shoulders and tries to sleep.

Now that he thinks about it, he is tired.

+

Ryan wakes, his eyes not even bleary with sleep as he looks at his alarm clock – _3.14AM_ \- because he hasn't really slept at all. He knows he's tossed and turned and he shifts again, clinging onto the idea that sleep will claim him any second now.

“Are you alright?” he hears from the other side of the bed, Danny's mumbled voice how Ryan wishes he felt.

“Fine.” he sighs.

“Then can you stop moving about? You keep waking me up.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows, throws a look over his shoulder but Danny hasn't moved from being curled up. “Sorry to be an inconvenience,” he mutters under his breath.

“That's not what I meant!” he snaps. He switches his bedside lamp on and sits up. “What's going on?”

“What? Nothing,” he frowns, not wanting to get into it in the middle of the night, “Just leave it, Danny. Go back to sleep.”

“Like fuck I am, you woke me up, so start talking!”

Ryan faces him, a surge of anger lighting him up from the inside. “I'm tired too y'know. I can't sleep and you're not helping,”

“What – I'm – it's just - ” He looks floored and Ryan doesn't want to blame him at all and yet he can't stop. He swings out of bed, Danny struggling to catch up with the situation. “Babe, where're ya going?”

Shoving on the nearest pair of underwear that he's fairly sure are actually Danny's, his jaw clenches. “I'll sleep in the bath if I have to. If it means you get your precious silence.”

“Oi!” Ryan's aware of him following, “Ryan, this isn't you. Tell me what's going on in your head, eh?” Standing in the doorway to the bathroom again, this time Danny gently touches his arm. “Hey, look, I didn't mean to upset you,” he says earnestly, “but maybe you should see someone?”

“What?”

“A doctor. If you were a dog, I'd be marching you to the vet later!” he jokes, making Ryan reluctantly chuckle. “You've been struggling to eat and zoning out and it's like you hate the things you used to love? And I swear you're far from getting old, but maybe...” he hesitates, Ryan looks at him sidelong, able to see the hand on his arm and a sliver of his face, “maybe you're depressed,”

Ryan shakes his head, mind going a mile a minute.

The nausea.

The lack of concentration.

Feeling on edge and different.

His stomach bloating no matter how hard he pushes himself at the gym or at home.

Terrible fatigue in the last week that he can't seem to shake and not able to sleep to ease it.

Stupid things annoying him.

 _Danny_ annoying him, making him ready to fight or cry or just feel completely out of control and separated from his mind and body.

How could he _not_ see it?

“Babe - ” Danny squeezes his arm, thinking he's not got his attention, the same as the last few weeks.

“No.” Ryan almost trips over his own feet in getting into the bathroom. He yanks open the cupboard under the sink, crouching to rifle through it's contents in a hurry. “No, no, no!”

“What're ya looking for? Ryan, _please_?” He stands up properly and takes a breath before opening their medicine cabinet next to the bath. It's nowhere else, so it has to be in here. He walks towards Danny hovering by the door, naked and cold, and he looks so hopeful for answers. He’s pretty sure he'll be able to deliver. He shuts and locks the door. “Ryan? Ryan, open the fucking door!” he starts yelling, the handle rattling as he tests it. “You're scaring me!”

He leans his forehead on the door. “I'm sorry.”

It feels like it takes forever and not long enough all at the same time. 

In between waiting, Danny goes quiet and then knocks instead of banging angrily. “Just tell me you're alright.”

He clutches both sides of the sink and looks at his tired reflection. “I'm fine!” he calls, “I think.” he adds to himself. “I'll be out in a minute!”

A minute passed, Ryan unlocks the door and slowly cracks it open. Danny's still standing there, but he's put his boxers and a t-shirt on. He unfolds his arms at the sight that greets him, Ryan sheepish and feeling wretched.

“I want to help.” he implores, “You've been weird for a while and I want...” He trails off with a helpless shrug. All he knows is things have come to a head. _I want my Ryan back_ , say his confused, worried eyes.

Ryan can't take it anymore, not now he knows the truth of why, so he bites the bullet. “Yeah,” he says quietly, clearing his throat because his voice is barely a whisper, “I know I have and I think it's 'cause – well, I've found out...” 

He lifts his hand. He's made a fist around something and he unfurls his fingers to show white plastic sitting flat on his palm. He forces his eyes to Danny's and swallows hard, heart thumping in his chest. One word on the screen and two words from his mouth.

“...I'm pregnant.”


	2. UNCERTAINTY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya. I forced myself not to leave it too long between updates. If you can give me a cheer for my terrible mpreg 'science', that'd be ace hahaha!
> 
> Also, ALL the stuff about Ryan's upbringing, including how many siblings he has, is totally 100% made up.
> 
> Please don't kill me for the end.
> 
> Enjoy ;) x

Ryan wakes slowly to the curtains still shut but natural light in the room. He shifts onto his back and can already tell through bleary eyes and the way his arm flops to empty space that Danny isn't with him. It makes something twist inside his stomach and he breathes out shallowly, quietly, as he realises that his body is not just his own anymore. 

It's hours since he took the test to confirm his dawning suspicion and confessed to Danny, sat on the side of their bed, shoulders slumped in exhaustion and nothing much else. He'd distantly felt Danny's arm around him and a kiss to his temple before he'd shuffled back under the covers and dragged Ryan with him, his back to Danny's chest. He figured they were still shell-shocked and Ryan forced down his worry to grip his arm around his waist and get some sleep, not knowing if the cycle of being unable would start again, but for the first time in weeks it seems to have worked. He could do without waking up alone, although there's an easy solution to that when the distant sounds of activity come from downstairs.

Ryan makes to get out of bed and yet doesn't get very far with it, sat frozen as his eyes draw down his body. Feeling silly but compelled to anyway, he lifts the t-shirt Danny had slipped onto him in between their long embrace and sleeping, hints of being outwardly protective already. The thought of Danny getting worse with that makes him smile and he studies the smooth plains of his torso, well aware that something won't have changed overnight. His eyes catch the white plastic sat on the latest book he's reading as his hand settles against his stomach and he feels the strong urge to find Danny immediately. They have so much to discuss and he grabs the nearest pair of jogging bottoms to wear for now, sliding the test into the pocket on a second thought.

Danny's in the kitchen and he smiles easily when he sees Ryan tentatively standing by the door. “Hey, you. How're you feeling?”

“Honestly? I have no idea,” he chuckles, blurting it out because he's still a mess of emotions, high on happiness and confused by everything.

If he's feeling like that, he can't imagine what Danny's going through, although you wouldn't know to look at him. Ryan watches him move around the kitchen that has recently become his permanent home after he finally agreed to move in. He blinks away the memories of getting caught up in each other, figuring too late that the timing fits and a nonsensical blush rises to his face. To distract himself, he notices the orange shopping bags on the kitchen island and Danny unpacking the groceries one by one like the very best live-in boyfriend and his lips pull up when Danny glances at him again.

“Take a load off and I'll make us some brekkie.” Ryan folds his arms, stubborn, and narrows his eyes. “What? I would've done it for you anyway, not just because you're...y'know.”

“Up the duff,” he supplies bluntly, intending to be funny, but Danny simply nods like that is exactly what he meant and continues with his task. They need to talk and Ryan sighs. “With child. Baby on board.” he adds, to see what he'll do or say. There's a nod again, as if he's vaguely listening. “Pregnant.”

Opening the fridge door, Danny fumbles dangerously with a carton of eggs and his shoulders come around his ears as he struggles to compose himself. Ryan does as suggested and takes a seat at the table, far enough away from the food because he doesn't know how he feels about that since finding out the truth, whether sickness could kick in properly, but close that he can still see Danny move around. Eventually, he seems to come to the end of avoidance and slides onto the chair opposite Ryan. He pushes a glass of ice cold water towards him and stares, willing and lost, and Ryan swallows hard as he searches for where to begin. _The beginning_ , his mum always said, smart woman that she is.

“So, I know this is a lot right now, but I'm guessing you have lots of questions? The main one being, uh – how?”

“Hmm yeah, that had crossed my mind once or twice.”

He sounds flat until their eyes meet and Ryan works out that he's teasing. He takes a long sip of water, choosing his words carefully because he realises with stark terror that he can't do this alone. “My mum and dad are both carriers of this gene and when I was born the doctors did these checks.” he begins to explain, “Standard stuff mostly, apart from they found this one 'abnormality'. That's what Mum says they called it. It could be nothing, it could be something and I was none the wiser as I grew up. It didn't stop them having more kids either. Mum had Paul and then when Tasha was a baby, Dad left, just left out of the blue and Mum had to cope on her own with two idiot boys and a baby.”

He stops for a drink and a breather. Obviously Danny knew that Ryan was close with his mum these days and that she was a single parent for a long time, but he's never told him the finer points of why. Maybe if he had, being pregnant might not have been such a shock. He's relieved to feel his boyfriend's hand settle warmly on his and squeeze.

“You've turned out great,” he offers, only half-joking.

Ryan accepts the compliment silently and pulls out the pregnancy test from his pocket to put it between them on the table. He tangles his fingers with Danny's to hold on. “When I was 16, Mum sat me down and told me that I had the potential to conceive. Stupidly, part of me remembers thinking _conceive what?_ , but I knew really. It didn't make any sense. I was a boy and this was puberty and maybe Mum was stressed or something. I couldn't deny it for long though. I knew I was different from my siblings and it put into perspective why Dad left. Before my mum had Paul, she'd gone on these drugs to help block the gene or something, I don't know. Obviously she didn't need to with Tasha, but as soon as she told me about my...thing, I knew that's why Dad was gone. He decided he couldn't handle having two perfectly healthy kids and...me. I felt like it was my fault. I was me and he couldn't handle it anymore so he cut his losses and never came back.”

He hears Danny's intake of breath and a thumb to his face that comes away wet. “Oh babe - ”

“There's no need,” he sniffs, eyes red, but briefly leans into the touch to his cheek all the same. “I haven't felt like that in years. I was just a kid and my mum had been forced to drop this bombshell on me that I could get pregnant, with no support.” He sits back in his chair, Danny clasping both his hands now and he grins to lighten the mood. “But anyway, are you ready for this? The specifics are weird and there can be a lot of variations and complications, but the basics are: most appendix are kinda useless, right? Either they burst so they get taken out or they just sit there inside us our whole lives as a solid mass. The way my mum explained it is that I'm one of the rare ones where mine is hollow, kind of like a pocket that can stretch and stretch and it's connected to my reproductive system, technically enabling me to have a baby. At 16, it didn't matter because I thought I was only interested in girls and not getting _them_ pregnant was the name of the game...until it wasn't. I liked boys too, but it still wasn't much of an issue. I never told anyone, man or woman, because things never got that serious. I didn't want kids with women and I didn't bareback with men,”

“Until me,” Danny says faintly, mouth slack. “Bloody hell.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, wincing. It's hard to know what else to say so he quiets, giving Danny time to digest it all at his own pace. He strokes his knuckles and picks up the test again, fidgeting. He can hardly believe it himself, but they are where they are.

“So when you, y'know,” Danny starts hesitantly after a long minute of nothing, “have a baby, do you have to like - ”

He makes a couple of hand gestures that has Ryan raising his eyebrows, trying to work out what he means, until he becomes more obvious. “Ugh, no!” he cries, frowning and on the edge of laughter, “There's an operation, kind of similar to a Caesarean section and voilà, there's a baby at the end of it.” Ryan knows there's a lot of hurdles to jump over first, including some negatives. “Danny, there's one more thing. I need you to know there's a chance this might not work. Babies born this way, they're often smaller, more prone to things going wrong and I don't know if I can – if we'll - ”

Danny shushes him gently, “Stop. I don't care about the details right now. I just wanted to try and get my head round it. Why didn't you tell me, eh?”

“What, 'hi I'm Ryan, nice to meet you, I'm really looking forward to working with you. By the way, I can get pregnant'?” he snorts derisively, “Yeah, I can see how that would've gone down. I probably would've been out of a job!”

“Fair point. We'll have to think about work sometime though.”

Ryan concedes with a nod, a grin forming because Danny is already taking this seriously and thinking practically and not once has he mocked him. Of course they love each other and he knows Danny is a decent bloke, but bringing a baby into the equation when they'd barely brought up the subject of children is a big ask. Curious, his eyes follow Danny as he stands up and walks around the table to settle between his legs and Ryan grips his hips.

“I'm sorry,” he blurts out, figuring now is the time to get that out of the way.

Danny cups his face. “Oi, don't be. It's good news and as long as you're safe, I'm happy.”

Ryan shuts his eyes and swallows hard. “Okay then. Thank you.”

“I'm not going anywhere, babe.” He feels Danny lean down and touch his nose to his. “You've got me forever. You, me, and our baby.”

It's a good morning.

\---

With the scene in the bag, Lucy breathes out like she's been holding it in all this time and unzips her big puffy coat. It's cold outside the back end of the pub location but she looks mightily relieved to not be hiding her heavily pregnant bump until the next take so Ryan resists the urge to fuss. She's a week away from starting her maternity leave and, whilst she's been a real trooper, Ryan can tell she's looking forward to no more strategic camera angles, no more baby brain and no more secretly struggling through scenes.

“You can stop watching me like a hawk. You're worse than Danny now.” she says, amused, and Ryan blinks at her, entirely unaware that he'd been staring.

“Sorry, I don't mean to, it's just - ”

“Ooh!” she interrupts with a giggly exclamation and, before he can protest, Lucy grabs his hand and lays his palm flat on her belly, “They've woken up alright. Feel that? Maybe they know your voice. Keep talking.”

“I - ” he flounders, internally in a spin as he feels a ripple of movement from the twins under his hand again. It's too early for him to feel anything like that inside him yet, just a few days shy of the important 12-week scan and close to being successfully through the time most likely to miscarry. It's an ever-present danger, but it's still a milestone worthy of celebration.

“He's gone all shy,” Lucy laughs, hand obliviously on top of Ryan's as she looks fondly at her belly, “come on, darlings, give Mummy and your Uncle Ryan something to talk about,”

Coming back from ending the scene with Adam, Danny must spot how tense Ryan's holding himself and he steps up with a joke. “Can't work out if that's sweet or just a bit creepy, Luce?”

She clicks her tongue, like she really is his mother. “I'm only teasing! Fun to feel it though, right? Makes it seem more real, that they'll be here soon.” Her eyes drag over Ryan's body, his leather jacket open. “Hey, you're looking great, by the way. Have you been putting some extra meat on those bones?”

“Mu – _Lucy_!” Danny admonishes, narrowly avoiding calling her Mum.

Undeterred, she giggles and pushes at Ryan's unguarded stomach,. He's wearing his usual two extra layers of a Robert shirt and jumper and he shares a look of panic with Danny because it's not supposed to be that easy to tell. “Look! People will be asking if you're expecting next! You've got a _glow_ about you,”

A glow? As if there wasn't enough to worry about with the secret, Lucy pokes again and it doesn't hurt but her lack of tact makes him feel sensitive and he squirms away, breathing hard when Danny steps in front of him.

“Don't.”

“What?” she hisses, confused, “I was joking, son, I don't really think – I - ” She stares at Danny's protective stance and Ryan anxiously pulling at his clothes and her mouth flies to her mouth, understanding. “Oh, shit. Shit, shit, _shit_! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean - ”

Lucy takes a step back and Ryan eyes the bench with worry before he nudges Danny out of the way. “Sit down,” he says gently, guiding her with a hand to her shoulder, “don't want you toppling over, yeah?”

“You know I would never - ”

“I know,” he smiles kindly, quickly to reassure her lest she go into shock early labour.

Ryan figures he'll have to think of a proper, calm way to break the news from now on but he feels lighter that somebody from the cast knows. They're a tight knit family and whilst they'll probably think of a cover story for the rest of them, Ryan had laid awake many a night trying to decide if telling the truth to the people closest to them like Lucy and Isobel was the right thing to do. From the look of awe on Lucy's face, he knows it's a good call. 

He takes a seat on the bench beside her, Danny stood in front of them, and lifts his hand in a high five. “Snap.”

“Oh sweetheart, congratulations!” she breathes, tangling her fingers with his and practically squeezing them to death. A great big hug would draw too much attention as the crew set up for the next scene. Her gaze flickers to Danny. “To both of you. I can't believe it.”

“You don't seem that shocked...” Danny observes.

She shrugs, her eyes straying back to Ryan's face like she can't help it. “I'd heard about it, that gene thing, yeah? But I've never met anyone who got successfully pregnant from it,”

“Strong swimmers,” Danny nods, proud and even a little smug. Ryan grimaces and Lucy struggles to stand, flapping her hand at Danny to help her upright. Steady on her feet, she hits him hard upside the head then does the same to Ryan but softer. “Ow!” Danny cries, “It's the truth, innit? It's biology!”

“Never mind bloody biology, that's for having unprotected sex!”

“How do you know the condom didn't break accidentally?” he says cheekily.

She gestures to Ryan, looking at his feet. “Because your boyfriend can't look me in the eye suddenly and he didn't protest getting hit like you, ya big baby!” He huffs a laugh through his blush and sees Danny scowl. She turns a smile on Ryan. “How far along?”

“Couple of days off 12 weeks. Got my first scan on Monday morning.”

She tilts his face up to kiss his cheek. “Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.”

“Thanks, Luce.”

“And you,” she wraps her arms around Danny as best as she can, her belly in the way, “look after him and the little one, okay? There's nothing better than being a parent.”

“I dunno – football, beer and a curry on the weekend sounds pretty good to me,” he laughs, hugging her tightly. She twitches in their embrace. “Please don't hit me again, I'm gonna be a dad.”

Ryan's heart jumps into his throat and he can't join in with their good-natured banter because it's hit him like one of Lucy's taps – he and Danny are going to be _parents_. It comes over his thoughts at the most random of times, although luckily never in the middle of a scene. Danny's going to be a father, the best probably, and Ryan's the reason.

He's having a baby.

\---

In the weeks that follow, Ryan tries to ignore the negatives and embrace the positives. He prides himself on being a fairly level-headed person anyway and work helps to distract him from his thoughts when he isn't worrying whether Wardrobe is going to mention that he's started to put on weight. Danny kisses him with a reminder that it's a good thing, that he's growing a life and one that's near-impossible. He had hovered and fussed a lot in the very early days after Ryan had told him how dangerous this was and he'd clearly put a lid on his excitement but, since Lucy found out, he's been a little less intense. He wakes up with a smile and Ryan wishes he felt the same, instead of a 'what if' sense of dread and frustration.

Once past the 12-week mark and first scan, he'd gone to see his mum and impressed upon the importance of Paul and Natasha being there too. Paul had tried to get out of it, claiming he couldn't miss this Sheffield United home game, but when Ryan turned up he was there like he asked, sullen but present. His mum and sister had cried and his brother looked surprised, probably thinking back to all the conversations they'd ever had where Ryan had said this thing, this...condition of his wasn't a big deal and it wasn't going to impact his life. He felt sheepish until Paul had caught around him and he was surrounded by such love from his family, relieved that he could bring Danny next time and they wouldn't want to lynch him.

It stands to reason that he'd feel better about the situation after that, but with his symptoms piling up and the secret returning to weigh heavily on his shoulders, it's hardly a barrel of laughs. Before, he'd go to the gym to clear his head but he'd had an argument with Danny about that last week. He'd slipped downstairs whilst it was Danny's turn to cook. He'd have it when he returned, hopefully sweaty and blissfully blank in mind, but he'd been caught at the door.

“Babe, where're you going? Tea's gonna be soon.”

He kept a smile on his face, as if that would be any more persuasive. “I'm going to the gym. I need to clear my head.”

Danny raised his eyebrows and dropped his gaze pointedly to Ryan's stomach. He was wearing a baggy t-shirt and jogging bottoms, the thick material soft and protective on his body. “Have you forgotten you're pregnant?”

“No, how can I?” he snapped then counted to three with closed eyes before he looked at Danny again. “Look, I won't be long and I won't push myself. I'm barely even showing yet. I just need to do...something.”

“You can do it here,”

“What?”

“Yeah, you don't need the gym,” Danny said brightly, guiding him into the kitchen by his elbow, “we can find you something else.”

“I don't want anything else,” Ryan sighed, tightly civil.

“No, Ryan.” For the first time, he _really_ looked at Danny and felt the thrumming beneath his skin of being on edge, of wanting to protect Ryan so strongly it came out in unexpected ways. “You can't.” he whispers, “Please.”

“Am I really banned from the gym?”

They'd laughed, the tension broken, and Ryan had let it go. It was obviously something that Danny cared about, so they'd find a compromise. They'd eaten a delicious dinner and gone to bed early, Ryan determined to make it up to his boyfriend whilst he still felt able and in the mood to do.

So, at nearly four months pregnant, Ryan's home on a Saturday morning in a vest to keep cool and an actual pair of navy maternity leggings his mum had foisted on him at his last visit, trying to inexpertly struggle through a yoga DVD whilst Tommy and Lola alternate between judging him on the sofa and running around his feet. Danny would probably have a coronary if he could see and tell them off, but it's part of why Ryan hasn't. He wants things as normal as possible, including his mad, rambunctious dogs.

He remembers his look of embarrassed disbelief towards Danny as his mum gave them what felt like a crash course on all things pregnancy. He was holding the waistband of the leggings like they were going to suddenly grow hands and slap him in the face.

“There's a reason they're called _maternity_ clothes, Mother,” he said, with deadpan mischief.

“Call me Mother again and I'll clip ya 'round the ear, with child or not!” she tutted crossly, reminding them both of how extra motherly Lucy had been since they told her about the baby. Ryan's mum put her hands on his and pulled at the leggings. “All that matters is that they're stretchy and you might need them. I thought you wouldn't want to be seen shopping for this kind of stuff anyway,”

“She makes a good point,” Danny chipped in.

“Who's side are you on?” he laughed, aghast, “Are you telling me you'll find me irresistible if I'm wearing these?”

“They'll be useful.” He looked to Ryan's mum, “God, has he always been this stubborn?”

“Stubborn as an ox. Perfectionist too,” she shook her head fondly, “unless someone needs a hand then he's the first one there,”

He looked away from his mum to see Danny staring at him, sparkly-eyed. “Yeah, sounds like him.”

“Fine. I'll take the leggings.” Ryan sighed, putting the leggings on top of the growing pile of things they apparently “needed” to take back to Leeds with them. You'd think Sheffield was on another planet, although he's selfishly glad she and her partner never did quite make it back out to Dubai just as he'd got the job on Emmerdale. He'd told his mum to leave, obviously, but she'd changed her mind and went with a place for holidays instead, keeping her ties to where her first son was born.

Huffing and puffing into positions he still isn't sure his body naturally bends into, he has to admit that the leggings are a good idea. Soft against his skin and moving with him, he can't imagine doing this in jeans or bulky jogging bottoms and nearly makes himself laugh at the thought, losing his concentration and putting his hand on the rug so he doesn't fall over. Tommy's got his head on his paws and his big brown eyes trained on Ryan's arse as he looks at him from between his legs when the front door opens. Lola, sat in front of the television that he is sluggishly following, whips around, kicks him in the head with a luckily tiny paw and streaks out of the room because somehow she knows who it is even before he's said anything.

Ryan's stood up and rubbing the crown of his head with an amused frown when Danny shows his face, Lola clamouring for attention. “Hiya – wow, what's got you all hot and bothered?”

“Oh, trying out this,” he snorts, gesturing to the TV on pause as he pats at his red, warm cheeks where the blood rushed to his head as he froze in positions upside down. “Don't think this one's too impressed at having my fat arse in his face though,” he adds, at Tommy immovable but eyes roaming from him to Danny.

Danny comes towards him, hands suspiciously empty despite the fact he was meeting up with his mum. Both sides of their family are as bad as each other since they found out about the baby. “Oi, we'll have none of that talk. I love your arse,”

“Yeah, that's what got us into this mess in the first place!” he laughs.

“Mmm, and you look more gorgeous than ever,” Danny murmurs into his neck, his hand twisted in the loose front of the vest. He kisses a path down Ryan's sweaty shoulder, muscles already pleasantly aching because he was interrupted before he could go through a proper cool-down and he shivers when Danny's finger happens to brush his nipple. There's not much he can do if he gets turned on in this outfit and he bites his lip when Danny pulls away to smack him playfully on the arse. “Come on, let me show you what I bought.”

He turns around with a grin and Ryan sways on his feet, cursing him silently as he disappears. Switching the television off with the idea of convincing his boyfriend to help him keep fit in another way, Danny returns laden down with multi-coloured plastic bags. He dismisses Ryan's help, so he sinks into the sofa and the dogs join him, settling against his thighs.

“First of all, I got food,” he says, digging into one of the bags, “including fancy crisps. Catch!” He throws a big, crinkly bag at Ryan who reads the label, something about _tomato and oregano_. “And then I got boring bits like sellotape and these mad Post Its 'cause why have piss poor yellow when you can have neon green, and crazy orange and hot, hot pink,” he says, listing them off and shoving stacks of different stationary onto the coffee table Ryan had pushed to the side because of his little yoga session. With tiredness creeping into his bones, he almost feels tempted to fall asleep to Danny's voice, even though he's being loud and joyous.

“Anything else?” he mumbles, smiling.

“Oh! Mum got too excited and I didn't tell her to get these but she got them anyway. You think yours is unstoppable, mine's like a fuckin' hurricane when she gets going!” He reaches into a smaller, square bag with rope handles and slides a tiny pair of booties onto the coffee table. “I think she went with white because the other choices were obviously the typical pink or blue and we don't know what we're having yet.”

If he says anything else, Ryan can't hear him. White noise fills his head as he stares at the shoes on the table, his breathing picking up. A flash of heat overcomes him and his stomach lurches dangerously as he panics.

“Take them away,” he warns tightly, jaw clenched.

“What? Babe, are you - ”

His vision blurs. “Get them away from me. The table – bad luck - ” he pants, leaning over and pulling at the neck of his loose vest. Suddenly, he can't breathe.

“Ryan, stop,” Danny says, wildly confused, “Hey, hey, calm down, take it easy,”

“Can't – _please_ , Danny, please,”

“Okay, okay!” He runs out of the room and Ryan puts his head between his knees. For an awful second, he thinks he's going to be sick, but the position helps and he tries to focus on his breathing, tears drying on his face. He feels a hand run gently through his hair and down his spine. “Breathe into this if you want,”

With some effort, Ryan glances up to Danny at his side, offering him a paper bag. Luckily, it's nothing to do with the baby shop and he snorts wetly, grabbing for Danny's hand and holding it on his bare shoulder instead. It's comforting to have him close when he even just scared himself. After several minutes of deep breathing and willing his heart to slow, he relaxes back into his seat.

Danny nudges next to him on the sofa and puts his hand coolly on Ryan's forehead, rubbing his thumb to his temple. “I didn't think you were the superstitious type y'know,”

“I'm not, usually, but everything's just – this baby has made me think more about stuff, about how dangerous this is. I had a panic attack over _shoes_ , for Christ's sake, and I can't know what that's doing because I can't even feel it moving yet to know for sure,”

“Babe, come on,” Danny encourages softly, hand down to stroke his jaw, “it'll be the hormones talking.”

It's well-meaning, but it feels pretty worthless all the same and he knows why. In that moment, Ryan knows he needs to say what's been plaguing him for all this time, what he's tried so valiantly to ignore for himself and for Danny. He needs to say it before it's too late.

“I'm so scared,” he sobs, more tears springing to his eyes as he looks at his lap, barely able to tell that anything – _everything_ – has changed. “I don't think I can do this, Danny. I'm sorry. I can't have this baby.”

A pause.

Danny pulls away.


	3. PAIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Are you ready for the "pain" chapter? Lol. Two things: 
> 
> 1\. There's more mumbo-jumbo medical stuff. Just go with it all.  
> 2\. I wasn't gonna end it there originally, but I needed more to happen in the last chapter to make it worthwhile, so. Sorry mwahahahaha! I also had to change POV, hope you don't mind, but fade to black wasn't an option.
> 
> Hope you enjoy x

Silence.

Ryan glances up at the woman sat in front of him. His hand rests on his stomach. It hadn't been a conscious decision and he hasn't felt any movement yet, but in some ways the baby is the centre of attention right now. Four months pregnant today and no idea if it'll stop here. He and Danny knew it'd take time to see a doctor and then get some sort of referral to help, so they'd gone to the midwife instead and she'd recommended a sexual health clinic with professionals trained in the complications of men sharing Ryan's ability.

It's his first session with essentially a counsellor and neither of them have said a word beyond a polite hello and her telling him softly to sit down and make himself comfortable. Danny had wanted to come, had been adamant until the midwife must've read the look on Ryan's face and gently suggested he needed to talk to someone alone, without worrying about what he's going to say. He thought the counsellor would ask him questions and he'd answer, but so far there's been nothing.

Forty minutes in, he rests his hand on the tiny curve at his stomach that's barely noticeable unless he smooths his t-shirts over it and sees her look at her watch. Panic hits him in the chest and he shifts on the plastic chair, reminded that time is of the essence, both here in this moment and in general. At 16 weeks, he legally has 8 more to decide whether or not to keep the baby growing inside of him. The counsellor is staring at him now, sensing his unease and urgency, but he can't get his mouth to move. Maybe the midwife knew this would happen. Maybe she was sparing Danny the excruciating silence currently in this room.

“Our time together has come to an end, Ryan,” the counsellor says in that same calm, soothing voice. It's almost too much, setting his teeth on edge, and the panic continues to seize his heart. She offers him a smile then writes something into the book spread on her lap. “I want you to come back tomorrow. How does two o'clock sound?”

He blinks at her. He thought she'd say next week and leave him floundering, leave him to get back into the car with Danny as he restlessly waits in the car park of the local hospital with no answers to give to his inevitable, worried questions but she smiles slightly when she catches him still staring at her in disbelief. Five foot nothing, a tiny bird-boned frame and a brunette haircut reminiscent of a bowl, she stands up and that's Ryan's cue to take him and his baby back out to the real world. He walks to the door with her, green walls and sparse furniture behind them, before he realises that he hasn't said whether tomorrow is okay or not.

“Tomorrow then,” he says, burning with embarrassment at the lost opportunity. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome, Ryan.”

With another kind smile, she shuts the door and Ryan breathes through a wave of unexpected rage. He wants to rail against it – _you don't know me, you shouldn't use my name, you shouldn't act like we're friends having a chat, this is serious and I don't fucking know what I'm doing_ – whilst the other half of him wants to cling on to the offer of help again so soon after this went spectacularly stagnant.

He's grateful that Danny doesn't ask him anything as he slides into his Mercedes, even though his posture speaks volumes that he desperately wants to. Ryan leans his head against the window and closes his eyes.

“Please take me home.” he whispers, tiredness rolling over him.

Danny squeezes his thigh and turns the ignition. 

\---

“It's not his fault.”

They'd sat in silence for the first ten minutes of the session the next day but Ryan couldn't bear a repeat of the first time. He still doesn't know how to articulate all that's going on inside his head, but he's had to say _something_. The counsellor looks at him with an open, expectant gaze, obviously a soundless prompt to continue. He's still not used to her asking the minimum of questions.

“It's not Danny's fault, it's mine.” he explains, hands folded together. He has an urge to spread his legs like he usually does, but it feels wrong somehow, oddly exposing like she'll take it and write something down about that too.

“And why do you think that?”

He clings to the question, relieved that he has something to work with. His emotions resist against the truth, but he pushes himself. “It's my fault because I told him not to use, uh...protection. I knew what could happen if we didn't, but I didn't care.” The same level look. He interprets it as _why_ and _tell me more_. “I knew I'd want kids with him one day. I said yes to him moving in with me. He's it, he's 'the one', if you believe that sort of thing. Alright, I got carried away but I don't regret it.”

She digests his sudden opening up with a slow nod of the head and looks down at her book that's always on her lap. “Why do you think you feel that way?”

His heart starts to pound hard enough in his chest it's as if it's trying to escape. His gaze snaps to the clock on the wall behind her. He still has twenty minutes left. He could clam up again, but she's unlocked it and now that he's started he can't leave things unsaid.

“Because I want this baby. It's our baby.”

She smiles, showing her teeth. It feels like progress.

\---

A week passes. At 17 weeks, there's still no movement for him to feel but Ryan wanted to wear something more form fitting to his session, this time in the morning. His bump stretches the material of his navy t-shirt and his coat is open when the counsellor invites him into the same room.

“Hello Ryan,” she smiles, “nice to see you again.”

“Likewise.” he nods, then gestures to the side of him. “This is Danny,”

“Ah! So you're the man Ryan can't stop talking about? It's a pleasure to meet you, finally.”

Danny raises an eyebrow at his boyfriend. Ryan always comes away from the sessions not wanting to talk and whilst Danny has always respected that, Ryan understands that it can't have been easy to be shut out. In fact, he didn't bother to hide his surprise when Ryan had shyly asked if he'd come to the next session with him and actually sit in.

“She's joking,” he assures, with an unimpressed look.

“I always like to have a little fun with the parents or partners.” she giggles, shaking his hand then leading them to the chairs near her desk, two available this time. “I find it reminds my clients that whatever they actually say to me is held with the strictest confidentiality. I'm here to guide, to make sure they get what they want out of the sessions, with no judgement.”

“Sounds good,” Danny offers politely.

Book in lap and pen in hand, she looks to Ryan. “Would you like to tell Danny why you asked him here today?”

Ryan swallows hard and reaches for Danny's hand. “I've made a decision, but I want to say a few things first. I - I'm scared. When Mum told me that I could do this, I was so scared I put it out of my mind. I pretended like it didn't exist because it didn't have to, even when I realised that I was bisexual. Then my dad left and I knew it was because of me - ”

Danny jumps, his hand landing on top of Ryan's. “Babe, it's not - ”

“It's not actually my fault, I know,” he interrupts, smiling even though his eyes are shiny, “it's not your fault either. He couldn't handle it, but it doesn't mean that we can't. I'm scared that this isn't fair, what if they're like me or they're a carrier like my dad. I'm scared because I was selfish, I didn't care about the consequences and I still did it. I got so caught up in you, in us, I didn't think about there being a baby. I want kids with you, I see a future with you and that's why I asked you to move in.”

He can see unshed tears threatening to spill onto Danny's cheeks, his blue eyes so sad and bright. “What are you saying?”

Ryan huffs a laugh and raises their joined hands to kiss his knuckles. “I'm scared shitless, but I don't want to get rid of it. I want this baby, just as long as you want it too. I can't do this without you, Danny.”

“Oh my god,” he gasps and throws his arms around Ryan's neck, holding him so tight. “Oh my god, yes, one hundred percent fucking yes! It's our baby, of course I want this. C'mere!”

He kisses Ryan on the mouth, catching him unaware, then presses his hand to the bump. It's the first time he's touched it in weeks and a warmth spreads through Ryan's body because it feels right. They're fully in this together. It's still scary, but Ryan knows he won't be going cold turkey with the help since he's made his decision.

“I'm satisfied with the progress you've already made, Ryan, but I want you to continue your sessions, once a month.” the counsellor says seriously, “Although we can't stop your pregnancy after 24 weeks unless there is cause for concern on medical grounds or you become a danger to yourself or the baby, I want to make sure your decision is the right one for you.”

Danny turns to him. “Are you sure?”

His excitement is infectious and Ryan lets himself feel it. In five short months, they'll have a living, breathing baby.

He nods, smiling so wide the crinkles by his eyes are out in full force, and the counsellor puts her book on the desk. “Well, I think that's a good place to wrap things up today. I'm pleased for you both.”

“Is it a record?” Ryan finds himself joking, “Three sessions and solved?”

“I'm here for as little or as much as you need me.” she answers in that same sometimes infuriatingly reasonable tone. “Generally, it's a block of six weeks and then we review and although this was a favourable outcome in half that time, it's not solved, Ryan. You still might have days you struggle, but that's okay. Talk to Danny, your family or if you find you can't, then make another appointment. You're not doing this in isolation.”

He feels Danny squeezes his neck and rub his nose behind his ear. “Listen to the good doctor, babe.”

“Idiot.” he mutters, shoving him away.

They stand up and he's amused when Danny is the first to shake the counsellor's hand quite vigorously. “I'll take care of them, I promise.”

Them. Ryan, Danny _and_ their baby.

He has to admit, it sounds good.

\---

 

It's a Wednesday afternoon and Ryan is home alone. 

At 7 months pregnant with almost 12 weeks to go, he'd called it quits on work the previous Friday as things were becoming too difficult to hide and a struggle to pretend like everything was fine when all he wanted to do was give in to his symptoms and, top of the list, have a nice sit down. Emily took the opportunity to tease that he was a lightweight and a disgrace to pregnant men everywhere until he'd gone through double the amount of takes in their scenes and nearly had a great big cry out of frustration on set.

“Maybe it's time.” she suggested, gently pushing him into the Woolpack sofa. He couldn't help his sigh of relief, some things already taking its toll as he entered his third trimester. Aware that not every single cast or crew member would know and his bump looking more prominent as he sat down, Emily perched on the edge of the coffee table to hide him as best as she could. “Maybe you'd find it easier if you didn't have to worry about work,”

“But I've still got two months to go. Lucy worked right up to the end really,”

“And that's Lucy, not you,” she rolled her eyes then glanced behind him, “Will you tell him?”

Although much softer than her alter-ego, Emma still had the same sparkle in her eyes as Charity. “Oh, happily.”

He'd confessed all to Iain that afternoon and was officially on leave by the end of the week. Hearing the news from someone in the know, Danny had rushed to their dressing room to find Ryan packing his rucksack to go home. “I'm coming with you,”

“No, you're not. You have work to do and I'm fine. I'm just useless at acting when I've got baby brain,”

“Oi, don't say that.” He felt Danny stop him putting things away and turn him around, his arms going around his waist and the girth of his bump. He touched his forehead to Ryan's. “Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?”

He smiles, glad he could convince Danny to keep on working that day and since. 

That's where he was this afternoon, probably distracting himself with Isobel as Ryan undresses for a shower. He's doing his jobs around the house and for himself in between hourly text messages as Danny checks up on him, but he couldn't be happier in a jumper and jogging bottoms, having relegated the leggings strictly to the rare yoga session. Shirtless, his gaze falls on the full length mirror in their bedroom and he walks towards it. He's not sure if the baby chooses that exact moment to wriggle around or if it's just a normal feeling of butterflies when he looks at his changing reflection. 

Whilst he still has definition in his chest, he hasn't been to the gym since Danny pleaded with him not to and the presence of the bump has stretched his skin and hidden the muscles in his torso. Gone are his abs to be replaced by something softer and he inhales sharply as, side on, he spots a few silvery stretch mark lines crawling across his stomach. He gets the urge to inspect the rest of him, longing and fascinated all at once and he strips the rest of his clothes away until he's left in his underwear. There's more light stripes beneath the waistband of his white Calvin Kleins between his hips and his thighs and he's not sure if he's imagining that his feet and ankles are starting to swell these days too and he knows it'll only get worse. Right now maybe he's too hot, so he resolves to have a colder shower than planned and makes a quarter turn to hide the reveal of his dick. He's not keen to see it in the mirror until he can properly see it again in real life without his bump in the way but, before he gets naked a very familiar voice makes him look in the direction of the doorway.

“So this is what you do all day, eh?” Danny grins, leaning with his arms folded. “Admiring yourself in the mirror?”

“Hardly.” he snorts, reaching for his clothes because he can delay his shower if it means he gets to see Danny, even though he's supposed to be at the location village. “Why aren't you in work?”

“I asked them to juggle the call sheet a bit. I have to go in early tomorrow instead, but I don't care 'cause I wanted to come home to you.” He walks towards Ryan, throws the jogging bottoms onto the floor and manhandles him to look in the mirror again, standing behind him. “Good job I did because I wouldn't wanna miss this for the world.”

“What, me in my boxers?”

“No – well, yeah,” he laughs, “but also this.” He runs his palm lightly across Ryan's bump and he feels an answering ripple, as if the baby knows it's one of its daddies. “And this.” His breathing hitches as Danny cups his soft dick over his boxer-briefs. He rubs and rubs and sucks at Ryan's bare shoulder, sweet pain blooming as he bruises the skin. “You've never looked sexier.” he whispers in his ear, squeezing. His hand slips down the front of his underwear, making Ryan squirm in his hold. “I wanna show you how much.”

He thrusts half-hard against Ryan's arse and Ryan tugs him in for a passionate kiss by the nape of his neck. Danny continues to pull at his cock until he's caught up and they silently move to the bed. Shuffling out of his pants, he sits naked on the bed as Danny steadily removes his own clothes. Snapback, t-shirt, shirt and jeans all end up on the floor and normally Ryan would chastise him for it, but Danny's got him wanting and he turns eagerly onto all fours when he approaches. It's the easiest position to start with, especially when Danny's fingers are wet and seeking him out and neither of them can wait long. He pushes back insistently when Danny's mouth lowers to his arse to help open him up, kissing across his skin until the anticipation is making the baby shift. It's only been a few weeks of recognisable movement and it's odd but joyful, except when he's trying to have sex with the man partly responsible.

A smile is faintly on his lips and he gasps as Danny's tongue touches his hole, reaching behind to squeeze his shoulder. “Get on with it before the baby comes,” he jokes, arching away.

Danny laughs but doesn't protest and grabs a condom. It feels like a silly concept, but it's mostly for the ease of clean-up afterwards than anything else and Ryan breathes out slowly as Danny sinks inside and his strong arms come around his middle. He's hit the time where all the good stuff happens and it appears male pregnancy isn't much different. He's blonder at the temples like when he has a tan, he's stopped fretfully biting his fingernails down to nothing and the slightly impractical inconvenience of his bump is something of a positive when Danny makes a fist around his cock. Totally unprepared, he's hyper-sensitive to the pleasure coursing up through his spine and Danny rolls his hips in reaction, rubbing his bearded face against Ryan's neck to match the bite to his shoulder. There's going to be no mistaking what they've done and he preens under Danny's busy, greedy hands. Ryan hears another groan from him as he clenches and it earns him more touches to his dick, balls heavy with their fullness and dirty whispers licked into his skin like _I'm gonna come so fast_ and _you feel incredible on my dick_ until he abruptly slows.

They've worked up quite a sweat already and Ryan flicks his thumb against the head of his cock, shivering, before Danny knocks his fingers away. “D'ya want me to come right now?” he chuckles, tapping him lightly on the thigh. “Just lemme - ” The angle changes, tilts up a little, and Ryan finds Danny's knee as he sits back nearly on his heels, “There we go, now I can see you – so gorgeous, babe,”

Despite what's changing with his body, it's a relief to still be desired as much as ever and a low, shaky whimper falls from Ryan's lips as he pushes his knuckles into the bed and Danny rubs his thumb to his hole, feeling around the place they are joined. His thrusts pick up speed again and he scratches at Ryan's hips, in the same place as his stretch marks, trying to coax him backwards. Needing a breather, Ryan moves off his cock and turns to kiss him, hands naturally coming up to his face. Danny gets his legs from under him and and spreads them, welcoming a kneeling Ryan. Danny stops to look at him, stroking mindlessly at the tiny new love handles that have formed just above his hips and that he can't enough of. Ryan isn't sure, but he doesn't tell him that, keeping occupied by adding more lube to Danny's erection. Ryan kisses him again then holds the back of his head as his lips travel south for a moment, licking his nipples and palming at his arse.

“Ready to go again?” he grins, sneaking in a chaste kiss. He smacks Ryan's arse and he takes it for what it is, about to turn around in the V of Danny's legs to slide onto his cock before he's dragged onto his lap instead.

“Hey, no, what're you doing?!” he exclaims, careful to still carry his own weight.

“C'mere,” Danny makes them face each other, “I want you like this when I make ya come,”

Ryan raises his eyebrows, “What happened to not holding on, coming so fast because you can't help yourself?”

“For you, I will.” he says sweetly, but his eyes sparkle.

Even though he's aware of what's physically between them like this and not sure of being on top when Danny lies back on the nest of pillows on their bed these days, he takes his dick anyway with a sigh. He can feel all of him instantly and Danny moves him urgently on his length, keeping him rocking right there and trying to hit the sweetest spots. Danny is beneath him and their limbs are tangled together, clutching at shoulders, knees to hips and panting breaths when he feels it.

“You're – you're so deep inside – me, oh god,” he says, voice gone just as deep.

“Wish I was fuckin' you bare,” Danny replies. Their lips collide and noisily slip apart, sharing air when it gets too much. “Wanna come – get ya pregnant again – make ya full of babies all the time – never s-stop!”

He doesn't know if it's possible, but Danny's grip on his dick trapped between them is frantic and before he can really question it, his body flexes and he shoots his load onto Danny's thighs and his flat stomach. He stops caring about crushing him and slumps into his arms, kissing his cheek. “Hard as you like,” he permits quietly and Danny growls.

His arms fit tight around Ryan's back and Ryan returns to kissing him, his nerve endings ablaze as Danny fucks him in short, sharp thrusts. 

“Can I come on you instead?” he asks in a rush, almost there.

With a nod, he pulls out mid-thrust to strip his cock of the condom and wank to orgasm. Their stomachs press together as Danny writhes and arches underneath the cage of Ryan's biceps and he paints Ryan's arsecheeks with his come.

He has half a mind to rub against his dick, but the whole idea was to make life easy and come on him, not in him. Truth be told, he's a little bit disappointed and they barely got to any foreplay for him to taste him. He's been trying not to think about sex whilst Danny's in work because it's usually futile, except for this afternoon delight and he's tired and achy, but still low-level horny. It must show on his face and in how he unconsciously licks his lips, bereft of not getting to suck Danny off, but he reads him perfectly, strokes his arse and offers his sticky fingers. Laving each digit with his tongue, a slice of sunlight catches half of Danny's face and body, bathing every muscle gold, and it clicks that they didn't even close the curtains. It's not like anyone can see, but Ryan still rolls onto his back, not caring about further dirtying the sheets, especially when Danny moves into his side to caress the bump. He's a mess of hot skin, sweat and come, but he is happy.

“You're a bad influence,” Danny says eventually, tongue-in-cheek, knowing he's going to get a reaction.

“Me?” Ryan scoffs, proving his point. “I'm not the one who jumped my bones as soon as you came home!”

He shrugs, shameless. “I told you, you're gorgeous and you're mine and this is the luckiest baby in the world.” Ryan rubs his shoulder in thanks, warm from the compliments and accepting what Danny's trying to make certain. They've had their struggles, but he knows that he wants this baby with every fibre of his being, including his changing body. He also accepts the kiss as Danny leans in, something lingering and meaningful, calm after the storm. His eyes and grin have softened when they break away. “You're gonna be an amazing dad, y'know. Never doubt or forget that.”

Ryan ruffles his hair, returning the fond look and thinking exactly the same.

\---

Just like at the start of his pregnancy, Ryan can't sleep. He's felt uncomfortable all day, but it's hardly surprising when he's now a couple of weeks shy of his due date and the little one is enjoying its last moments of being safe and protected inside him. The baby had shifted in the night and now is stuck with its head creating hard pressure in his lower abdomen and what feels like a leg pushed to his diaphragm. With babies born from male pregnancies often being underweight and slighter in frame, his bump of 36 weeks is that of a 7 months pregnant female, which has barely changed since he and Danny started having regular sex again. He'd worried after the first time whether they were doing something wrong until Danny had brazenly asked the midwife and she'd assured them that there wasn't as much difference with male and female pregnancies as might've been thought and sex whilst pregnant had no detrimental impact.

It brings a smile to his face, but it's short-lived when the baby moves more suddenly. The sharp kick steals his breath and Ryan sits up in bed, trying to breathe deeply through it. There's been a real increase in activity in recent weeks and whilst it means good things for the baby's development and eagerness to be born, he's not sure he feels ready yet. Every step has come with reluctance, but he knows he has Danny to talk to.

Danny, who is sound asleep next him, tired out from a day of putting the final touches to the nursery and checking that the rest of the house is fit for their son or daughter's welcome into the world.

“It's not like I'm having the baby here. We still have time.” Ryan kept telling him, amused at his fretting. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one 'nesting' as all the books called it. 

He lies down on his back and shuts his eyes, visualising the nursery. They'd plumped for something easy on the eyes and not difficult to change over the years, pastel shades of every colour through the room because baby would begin its home life in a cot by the side of their bed anyway. He's tracing the duck egg blue of the rocking chair by the window when another pain stabs him straight in the stomach. His arm flings out at its intensity, hitting Danny in the shoulder and he stirs sleepily in confusion as the pain flows down Ryan's lower right hand side and queasiness rises in his throat like a flashback to the early days.

“Babe, wha'ssit?” he mumbles, clinging onto sleep in case it's a false alarm. He grabs Danny's slack hand and puts it sloppily on his forehead. He feels hot and feverish and Danny's eyes snap open as he clearly thinks so too. “Shit! You're burning up,”

Ryan nods, biting into his mouth as a stronger wave of pain breaks through his body. “Feels like – like my appendix is gonna explode.” Danny scrambles upright and reaches for Ryan's shoulder to help him. “They said the symptoms might be similar at first to appendicitis. Baby, I think this is it. I think I'm in labour.”

“Oh _fuck_ , what?” Danny gasps, before he vaults out of bed like he's been electrocuted. “Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!”

“You're not helping,” he warns through gritted teeth, “just get my things and give me the keys to the car,”

Shoving his legs into his jeans, Danny stops to look at him in horror. “You're two weeks early and you are _not_ driving! I'll call an ambulance if I have to!”

There is no need for an ambulance as Ryan slowly gets himself into the passenger side Danny's car like he intended and waits for him to cobble together the essentials that Ryan had been vaguely planning in his head to go through next week. It's pitch black and the roads thankfully rather quiet as Danny drives to the hospital, determined to keep both hands on the wheel. Ryan grips the seat instead as it feels like the baby is going to rip him apart _Alien_ style, making him laugh and start to panic because the last thing he wants is their child to be born somewhere on the side of the road. Rationally, he expects women don't want that either, if they can help it, but at least they have a way to give birth that doesn't require a scalpel for definite.

Despite being the middle of the night, they arrive at the hospital to a busy A&E and hobble towards Maternity and the specific unit for cases like Ryan. They get through the high security by declaring an emergency and a wheelchair appears with a midwife and a nurse. He's male, in his forties and probably trained in this kind of pregnancy all the young women that they pass on the way to the single room that'll afford Ryan some privacy before surgery.

“Okay, Ryan. Hop on there for me and get comfy. The doctor should be with you soon,” the nurse says cheerfully.

Not keen on a 'hop' anywhere, Ryan gingerly stands up before the pain strongly returns and he doubles over with a groan, the bed saving him from falling flat on his face.

“Is this meant to happen?” Danny asks, frightened, even though his hand is steady on Ryan's back. “He's in so much pain, it feels like he's got a temperature and I'm worried what it's doing to our baby,”

Ryan inwardly smiles at _our baby_ and focuses on his and the nurse's voices to ease himself properly onto the bed. The nurse arranges the pillows more comfortably and clips a heart rate monitor to his finger as the first order of business. He pulls a small trolley with a screen towards him and an empty stand, ready for any intravenous drugs wanted.

“Labour is a stressful time, but that's okay,” the nurse explains, smiling at a hovering Danny biting his thumbnail, “we have everything Dad and baby need. Now _I_ need you to come with me,”

Ryan's gaze snaps to them. “What?”

“We'll just be a few minutes. I need to check your details and get Danny to sign some forms,”

Suddenly, this feels all too real. His eyes widen but Danny is by his side, clutching his hand. “Hey, I won't be long and I'll come straight back.” He looks over Ryan's shoulder then leans across to grab a wire. “Press this if you need anything,” he says, giving Ryan the red emergency button. There's also one on the wall. He looks at the nurse. “That's alright, yeah?”

“Absolutely. You've saved me a job,”

Danny kisses Ryan's knuckles. “I love you both.” He rubs the bump fondly and leaves with the nurse.

Alone, the room feels small. Suffocating. The monitor on his finger connected to machines beeps more insistently and his breathing is louder, chest heaving. He rips the monitor off and the room plunges into silence, the only noise coming from the hustle and bustle of the ward outside. Somehow it makes it worse, not better. He looks at the blank screen and cries out when another wave of nausea-tinged stabbing punctures his right side and leaves him dizzy. He lets go of the emergency button to get enough purchase on the bed to swing his legs out and lean over. Baby prevents him from putting his head between his knees properly, but that's how Danny finds him – hunched over, breathing rapidly and heart thudding in panic.

“What happened to the button?” he asks, hurrying to stand in front of him and cupping Ryan's face to lift him up.

“I let go.” Seeing the concern on Danny's face, he feels tears spring to his eyes because he let his panic get the better of him in a way that hasn't happened since counselling. “I didn't want to be alone, I'm sorry,”

Danny hugs him tight. “No babe, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've left you. Are you still in pain?”

The male nurse comes back into the room and must clock Ryan's heightened state plus the lack of beeping. “Oh, I see. We've got a rebel on our hands, have we?”

Ryan blushes, stark against the sickly pale of his face and Danny kisses his hot forehead. “Not normally,” he answers for him, “but this baby has given us many surprises already.”

The nurse laughs and hooks Ryan back up to the machines. He's just finished checking his blood pressure – high, but to be expected as he comes down from his panic – when someone else comes into the room.

It takes the doctor a couple of minutes to use the portable ultrasound to see how baby is coping and to give Ryan and Danny the news.

“You're not in labour.”

“What?” Danny asks, because Ryan can't get his mouth to work.

“It's a false alarm. You have a high temperature and symptoms that you were told to look out for, but it seems male pregnancies can also experience a form of Braxton Hicks. It's useful information to know.”

Danny looks at Ryan, speechless, and he warns him with his eyes not to kick off. Part of him is glad it's not true labour because it feels like his panic told him that he's not ready for this yet. He squeezes Danny's hand locked with his and smiles slightly at the doctor, probably tired enough now to sleep.

“Can I go home?”

The doctor's face twists into regret. “Unfortunately, with a false alarm and taking into account your rare condition, it is my advice that you stay in hospital for the remainder of your pregnancy. We can closely monitor you and keep track of any other instances of Hicks and make sure you and baby are fit and healthy when the time comes for surgery. I'm instructing the team looking after you to give you something to lower your fever and lessen your pain until we near your due date, which is?”

Ryan blinks out of the thought of being stuck in hospital for that long. “Er, two weeks today.”

“Ah, an Autumn baby,” he smiles, “I've delivered plenty of those in my time.” He flicks through Ryan's medical information and raises an eyebrow, teasing. “Who knows, you might've been one of them,”

“Not unless you were lost in Dubai.” Danny quips, sitting opposite the doctor. “Me, on the other hand, you might've been lucky enough,”

“Fingers crossed,” he chuckles. He pushes the ultrasound to the corner and picks up the armful of files he'd come in with. “Sorry it's not the news you were hoping for, but you'll get the best care here. Your designated midwife will be notified and you'll see her once the morning shift starts. If there's no further issues, I'll see you in theatre.”

He leaves with a mumbled thanks and Danny puts his other hand on top of his own already still clasped with Ryan's. “Guess I better get you enough of your stuff to last you a fortnight then.”

It's an annoying, if necessary prospect.

\---

Ryan's not expecting visitors on the same day, so it's a total surprise when Danny turns up at lunchtime with Isabel and Isobel in tow. They know he's had time off work lately, but not the reason why and he pulls his knees up under the blankets to try and disguise his bump until he's had a chance to tell them. His temperature has gone and he feels clearer of mind, accepting his fate of being hospital-bound until the baby is born.

“Hi, what're you doing here?” he asks, directing the question at Danny as he kisses him hello and Isabel and Isobel shuffle into the room.

“The minute I said you were in hospital, _someone_ kept bugging me to come see you.” he grins at Isobel as she looks at the surroundings, trying to pick up clues when all Ryan seems to be connected to now is the same clip on his finger. The false labour has stopped, so the stand next to his bed has no drugs, although the nurses kept the cannula in the back of his hand for when the real time comes. “I had to stop at home to get you a few things, so Is offered to drive,”

Ryan smiles. “Are you skiving?”

“No, of course not,” she says quickly, “it's lunch-time and I'll be going back. God, you're such a Dad sometimes!”

“Yeah, about that,” he starts, telling Danny with his eyes to get them a seat because they're going to need it. “I have something to tell you.”

Isobel sits down nearest to him with Isabel next to her, looking far more calm. “You're coming back, right? You're not quitting?”

The thought hadn't even entered his head. “What, no! What made you think that?”

“It feels like you've been gone ages and everyone misses you, 'im most of all,” she says, nodding to Danny as he nudges Ryan over to perch on the other edge of the bed. He could ask for more chairs, but they've sort of been breaking rules and sharing the bed, even when there's no one else here but them. After his latest panic attack, Ryan likes him close by. “And then Danny said you were in hospital. Are you really ill?”

Ryan grabs her hand. “Wrong again, I'm afraid. I've got some news. I didn't know I would be telling you this today,” he says, glaring half-jokingly at Danny, “but I wanted to do it before I have surgery.”

“Surgery?” Isabel frowns, “What for? Why didn't you tell me sooner?”

“Because I needed it to stay a secret for as long as possible. I'm still a couple of weeks off, but you're here now, so...” He squeezes Isobel's hand, confusion written all over her and Isabel's faces, until he lets go, straightens his legs out and lifts the blankets to reveal his stomach. They reel backwards in comical tandem, eyes wide and hands over their mouths. “I'm pregnant.”

“Fuck off!” Isobel exclaims, “Sorry, I mean – _what_? How can you be pregnant? You're a man.” Taking a deep breath, Ryan patiently tells them what he told Danny all those months ago, as well as the plan to claim to everyone else outside their close circle at work that a secret surrogate is the reason for them suddenly becoming parents. When he's done, there's an awful moment of silence then Isobel is the first to speak again, groaning. “This is like finding out your parents still bump uglies,”

“I know what you mean,” Isabel chips in, voice faint. She stares at the bump before she stands up in a rush, the chair falling behind her in haste. Ryan thinks she's going to flee and never speak to him again when she lunges at him, Isobel moving just in time as his on-screen sister envelopes him in a hug. He probably should've given her more credit. “I'm so happy for you though, both of you. Oh my god, I can't believe it! You! Dads!”

“Yeah,” Isobel nods, “Congrats an' all that. Still weird, mind.”

Ryan laughs. “I know. I've had nearly 16 years to get used to it and I don't think I ever will, not really.”

The emotion of what he's just done overcomes him, telling his biggest secret to the two people who mean more to him than anyone else at work except Danny and his boyfriend must sense the shift because he claps his hands. “Right, you two, lets go. Some of us have gotta get back to work, me included.”

“But we've only just got here!” Isobel protests.

“I don't care, you should listen to me,” Danny grins, gesturing towards the door. “Come on, out. Now you know, you can come and see him whenever you like. I thought it'd be good for you to know the truth.”

“Why are ya so bossy? Ryan's having the kid, not you,” she grumbles but gives Ryan a hug and obeys.

Danny ruffles her hair in her Liv ponytail. “Must be a Dad thing.”

“I'm busy on location tomorrow,” Isabel tells Ryan apologetically, “but I could come by after work if ya like? This is so exciting,”

Isobel walks out of the room and Ryan catches Danny's eye by the door. He nods and disappears too and Ryan grips Isabel's wrist. “Wait a minute. I want to talk to you, just us.”

“Yeah? What's up?”

He looks at her open, beautiful face and feels his insides clench in love and affection for her, almost the same for what he feels for Tasha. That's how he knew they'd be able to work together and have a realistic sibling dynamic. But there's also fear.

“Am I mad?” he whispers, “To have done this? I'm scared, Is, and I don't know if I can do this. What if something happens to me? Danny won't cope on his own with a baby. Am I selfish?”

“Hey, don't talk like that,” she shushes him softly. She's still standing up so she can reach his hair. She runs her fingers through his fringe soothingly, pushing it back off his forehead. “Nowt's gonna happen. You and Dan and the little one are gonna be fine.”

“You really think so? This is dangerous, sis,”

“Maybe it is, you know better than me.” she concedes. She stops to cup his jaw. “But you've got the best care available and a stubborn boyfriend and if this baby is anything like its dads then it'll be a fighter too. Try and concentrate on that, on baby being here in a few short weeks. That's exciting, right?”

“Yeah,” he agrees then adds, stronger, “yeah, it is. You're right, thanks. I needed to get that out there, without Danny around. I don't want to worry him anymore than he already is. I've been here less than twelve hours and he's already brought you and Izzy to see me and he keeps bringing me things from home, wanting it to be perfect.”

“Don't worry yourself either,” she reminds him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Look after yourself. See ya babes.”

“Sis?” She turns at the door and Ryan rubs a hand over his bump with a grin. “What do you think it is?”

Isabel matches his expression. “Besides a bloody medical marvel this side of Yorkshire, I think, hmm...a girl. You?”

“I have no idea, but maybe in the name of balance I should say boy.”

“Guess we'll find out eventually,” she jokes. “Take care.”

Alone again, Ryan feels no panic. Whenever real labour decides to make its presence known, however scary it is, he feels ready.

\---

Three days later, Ryan is in the middle of a Skype call with Lucy. It's just gone half past seven in the evening and Danny has stepped out to get some coffee, having had a long day at work. Ryan had told him to go home and get some rest, but typically he'd refused, claiming he hadn't had enough time with his baby. Ryan refrained from joking that they'd both won't want for that when the baby is here because he likes how Danny goes all soft when he talks about their child. He'd made sure before he'd left to prop Ryan's iPad up against an empty water jug and a stack of books behind that for added weight that didn't have the potential to spill. He has his hands free, but Lucy doesn't, her twin girls nestled in each arm. At a few months old, they've been asleep for the entirety of their conversation, but Lucy assures that they won't be for much longer as they're due a feed.

“This'll be you soon,” she taunts.

“You say that like it's a threat,” he grins, “but honestly Luce, they're gorgeous.”

“Perfect little angels when they're asleep.” she agrees cheekily, “Nah, we couldn't be happier. Are you happy? Looking forward to meeting your little one?”

He nods, “I kinda want it over with now, especially being stuck here. If I didn't think swelling was a problem before, it is now. I'm bored of laying around all day, Luce. What do I do?”

It's true, although that afternoon was a slightly different story when the Braxton Hicks contractions had started again with the same sharp pain, but annoyingly infrequent. He shifts in bed now, trying to sit higher and lean his weight back on the pillows as he listens to Lucy talk. His palm rubs his bump, hoping to psychically tell the baby to quit this false labour bullshit.

“Ryan?”

“Yeah?” he answers Lucy, grimacing.

“Are you in pain?”

He shuts his eyes and nods, “It's that Braxton Hicks thing. Apparently men can get - ” A white-hot flare slices through his abdomen, stealing his words and making him clutch the movable table in front of him, iPad wobbling. “Christ, that hurts!”

“Ryan, listen to me.” Her voice is firm, but he still waits for the wave of the contraction to pass before he glances up. The babies have gone and Lucy is leaning forward. “Have you told anyone you've been having contractions?”

“No, it's fine, why would I - ” he starts to say, but his body interrupts and his fist bangs on the table. “ _Ow_! Bloody hell!”

“That's not false, sweetheart.” she says softly, “That's real. You're in labour.”

Still reeling from the thought, the door opens and Ryan hopes its a midwife, but is dashed when it's Danny with his coffee and then he feels immediately guilty, even though Danny walks in oblivious and Ryan sits back with a wince.

“Oi, I think things are kicking off in Room 3.” he grins mischievously, “I know it's only nature, but Jesus she sounds like a wailing banshee. Kinda makes me glad it's impossible for you. Lucy still around?”

Ryan nods, panting, and waves a hand in the direction of Lucy onscreen. He bites down on his lips and presses his hand into the mattress to withstand the pain as Danny looks at Lucy. “Hi Mum,” he jokes.

“Don't you 'hi mum' me!” she spits, looking at her watch and then at Ryan. “Alright, I'm guessing that's another contraction. Danny, your boyfriend's in labour. Be a love and call the doctor.”

“What?” he yelps, “He can't be! It's too early!”

“Does this look early to you?”

In the midst of more pain, Ryan tenses back against the bed and grits his teeth. “Shit.” Danny says, before he jabs at the emergency button. He picks up Ryan's iPad to end the Skype call. “I gotta go, Luce.”

She rolls her eyes, smiling. “Of course. Good luck to the both of you. Call me anytime.”

After the goodbyes, Ryan's midwife and a nurse burst into the room. “The baby's coming!” Danny blurts out.

“Have you been having false contractions again?” she asks Ryan and he shakes his head, feeling wretched. “Do these feel different?”

“My friend said - ”

The midwife raises her hand, stopping Danny in his tracks. Ryan clenches his hand in his jogging bottoms for something to hold onto that won't feel hurt. “Yeah,” he pants, “more – more intense. More pain. Coming faster.”

“Okay then, it looks like this baby wants out.” she smiles, squeezing his shoulder. She accepts the trolley with the ultrasound wand and screen from the nurse. “Mr McCreedy will be informed and we will get you prepped for theatre, but I just want to make sure that Baby is happy.”

Liberally applying the cold gel to Ryan's bump, she presses the wand firmly towards the underside and flicks a switch, the sound of a heartbeat ringing out. At first, it's a comfort that baby still has a heartbeat, that all this incredible pain is worth it, before Ryan feels a strong movement and the thumping rhythm pick up speed. “What is it? What's wrong?”

“I need you to keep calm, Ryan.” she says in that same reasonable tone as his counsellor, “Baby seems to be in some slight distress, so we're going to monitor them more closely.” She stands up and nods to the nurse, watching her put a thick, stretchy band beneath Ryan's back and around his bump. “This'll help us do that. The ultrasound will stay on until Theatre are ready for you. You're doing so well. It's the home stretch now.”

With the swift change of plan, everything happens next in a total blur. Classed as an emergency Caesarean and given the green light, Ryan is wheeled into a room just off to the side of the operating theatre where he has to leave Danny as the team help him into a hospital gown and remove the machine still transmitting his baby's heartbeat. The rapid sound plays on a worrying loop in his head through laying down and through the injection to numb his mid-section but keep him awake, pausing when he and Danny meet again, his boyfriend wearing pale blue scrubs as a precaution and the smell of absolute, disinfected cleanliness everywhere. When the screen goes up to block their view of his bump, he reaches for Danny's hand and tries to relax as Mr McCreedy begins his first incision. It's a weird feeling to know you're being cut open, as if your skin is being unzipped, and not able to have the pain of it, but the murmur of chatter between the team, the anaesthetist continually checking in with him and Danny's presence stops any sense of panic. 

Ten minutes in, he feels more pressure and a tugging sensation in the lower half of his body and he clutches tightly to Danny. “I'm here, I'm not going anywhere.” he assures, just before they hear a tiny cry.

It's louder in seconds and they look at each other, wide-eyed, because they're parents now, they have - 

“It's a girl!” Mr McCreedy declares.

\- They have a _daughter_.

The mystery solved, Danny bursts into tears and Ryan can't even make fun of him for it because his vision is blurry too and no doubt his eyes are tell-tale red. Neither of them are in any fit state to say anything, struck speechless except for the kisses Danny peppers on his forehead and cheek until a nurse asks him if he wants to cut the umbilical cord. He looks at Ryan as if he's unsure or doesn't want to leave him for that one second, but Ryan blinks hazily and it seems like permission enough. He returns with a squawking bundle in his arms, wrapped in a white blanket that contrasts with the baby's - _her_ \- outrageously pink skin. Everyone has gone back to the task at hand, but Ryan can't take his eyes off his daughter.

“Any ideas on a name?” Danny asks and he nods, both of them aware of the nurses loitering behind him.

Overwhelmed by seeing them together, Ryan follows his daughter with his eyes as Danny finally relinquishes his hold on her and she's whisked away to the other corner of the room. It's a relief that she looks healthy enough.

“How do you feel about Rémi? Rémi Jane.”

Danny looks over his shoulder at the hive of activity going on around their daughter then back at Ryan before he lunges and kisses him quick. “Rémi, it is.” he grins, “Well done, Dad.”

Ryan manages a laugh, despite his eyelids feeling like they weigh a ton. “Thanks. You too. There is a reason y'know, for why that name. Remind me to - ”

“Can I get some suction in here?” Mr McCreedy barks, interjecting.

“Remind me - ” Ryan tries again, but he can't resist the pull of sleep. Giving birth, even via Caesarean section, seems to be tiring work. He blinks and relaxes, closing his eyes just for a second and his head lolls to one side. Steadily beeping machines suddenly start a cacophony of mismatched noises and the anaesthetist nudges a bewildered Danny out of the way to press his fingers to Ryan's neck as his eyes flicker across various screens.

“He's haemorrhaging!” Mr McCreedy declares, “Suction, please! What's the numbers we're dealing with?”

“Pulse 65 and falling, BP 80 over 60, sats at 90%,” the anaesthetist reports dutifully, putting an oxygen mask over Ryan's nose and mouth. “Can someone get him out of here!” he shouts and Danny stumbles backwards.

Horrified at the sudden chaos, his attention is torn between Ryan and Rémi, but the decision is made for him when a nurse guides him firmly and completely out of the room and she disappears back inside. 

Alone in the corridor, Danny has no boyfriend and no daughter. 

Just as the tears stream down his face for an entirely different reason and he feels sick with shock, the door swings open again. It's another female nurse, but this one has tossed her gloves and she smiles at him in sympathy. He presses himself into the wall to keep upright, his knees incredibly weak and she catches his arm.

“Let's find somewhere quiet, eh?”

“But my boyfriend – he was – he just - ” he splutters, “and my daughter! What's happening? Is she alright? Can I see her?”

She nods to his questions but insistently leads him away from the operating theatre and he has no choice but to follow. She mentions something about relatives to call whilst he waits for news and he thinks of Ryan's mum and feels the guilt come in a humongous wave. Ryan had told him this whole thing could be dangerous for him, for their baby, but he didn't quite believe him. Thousands of babies were born everyday, so how bad could it be?

He guesses now he has the answer.


	4. JOY (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally here! Excuse the amount of soppy fluff in these two (yeah...) chapters, I had to do something to balance out the Drama lol.
> 
> Special thanks to [allmyshippythings](http://archiveofourown.org/users/allmyshippythings) for inspiring me to try out Danny's POV some more, even though it wasn't what I originally planned to do. Hope you and everyone else enjoys this half. ;) x

Danny has always wanted children. 

He was a classic case of broody as a direct result of his nieces and nephews coming into his life, but he wasn't sure if it was ever going to happen to him after a string of relationships with women and even less so when he fell in love with a man. Ryan wasn't just any man either. A work colleague first and a good friend after, they both knew they had to tread carefully and it was a relief to find out that each other was definitely worth it. It's a strange relief to find out your boyfriend can also get pregnant, with the realisation that he can have children after all. He'd entertained surrogacy or adoption with Ryan, saw his future as clear cut, but this was one step further than that.

The morning after the night of Ryan telling him the news is a Saturday, so he doesn't have work to immediately distract him when he wakes up. He could sense from the dawning look on Ryan's face when he found out that he'd been able to piece together everything that happened over the previous few weeks. It wasn't all big things either, just a funny taste in the mouth here, an unusually snappy moment there. Danny isn't stupid. He suspected something was...not wrong, just _different_ somehow, but pregnancy for a man is fantasy, right? Apparently not. 

He knows Ryan was telling the truth almost instantly from his eyes, a fearful reluctance that he was about to tell Danny something unexpected, as if he'd suffered rejection because of it in the past. So, Danny consciously tried to have an open mind and, more importantly, an open heart. He hadn't explained much, didn't seem to have the energy all of a sudden, and Danny had felt a strong voice in his head saying _protect him_. He'd listened, to the voice and the man he loved, and held him until he'd fallen into an exhausted sleep, his breathing deep and his body still. 

Danny must have followed him because he awoke to the room light and laying on his back instead of on his side with Ryan pressed to his chest. Careful not to jostle the bed, he slides out from under the sheets and goes towards the window to peek through the curtains. Drizzly rain greets him and he draws them again so he doesn't wake Ryan up, staring over his shoulder at the man sound asleep in their bed. He'd seen a photo once, before they were a couple and he was secretly pining away, where Ryan was asleep just like this, only bare-chested and soft haired with Tommy snuggled into his side. There were no shadows under his eyes like now or a t-shirt wrinkled with the tiredness he felt in his bones, but he is still the most beautiful person Danny has ever seen.

Downstairs, the house feels even quieter. Tommy and Lola happen to be at Ryan's mum's with her dogs. Danny had planned to get Ryan to talk to him and not having the dogs around was supposed to show how serious and worried he was, but since he knows the truth he needs some company. He leaves a note for Ryan on the kitchen island in case he's awake before he comes back and gets in his car. He's halfway to her house when he changes his mind, turning and heading for the motorway instead. Taking roughly an hour and a bit, he parks in the driveway and checks his watch. He inhales sharply when he realises that it's barely 8 o'clock on the weekend, but his feet carry him to the door despite his awkward guilt. The second it's opened, he feels better. She's still in her dressing gown and wraps it around herself when she sees who it is and her expression clears because he can never hide from her. Pale and overwhelmed, he takes his hands out of his coat pockets and shrugs sheepishly.

“Hi Mum.”

“I suppose you'd better come in.” she smiles, touching his shoulder as he passes. Through the kitchen window, Danny spots his dad in the doorway of his shed-come-greenhouse in the garden and the nerves flare up inside him. “Don't worry about him. He's far too preoccupied with his tomatoes and basil.” his mum says from behind him.

“A ready made recipe,” he quips, but his tone is flat.

She touches his arm and leads him to the lounge to sit down. “What is it?” He blinks at her innocently. She didn't buy it when he was a kid and she sure isn't buying it here. “I can tell something's up from the look on your face, love. You look like your father did when I told him I was pregnant with you,” 

He snorts a feeble laugh at her joke, choked up by how right she is and that she doesn't realise. He tries a watery smile on for size, confused that he's feeling so emotional, but her laughter stops. In fact, her whole face drops and she reaches for his hand. He squeezes back and then the words come tumbling out. He explains as much as he knows, which isn't much and he needs to talk to Ryan about that.

“Blimey. I guess I'm going to be a grandma again then.” she says after he's put the words “Ryan” and “pregnant” together with the addition that apparently this can happen to some men. He has no idea how or why and hopes it's enough for his mum to get her head around for now. 

He falls into her embrace and sniffs hard to stop the tears from actually coming. “It feels so scary.” he admits into the soft towelling at the shoulder of her grey dressing gown. “I didn't even know this was a thing until last night and that it's...normal for some and then I feel like I'm calling him abnormal in my head and I hate that, I really, really hate it 'cause I love him, Mum. I love him so much and it's only gotten worse since I moved in and what if it all goes to shit.”

She pulls him away from her shoulder and cups his face. “You want this baby, yes?” Danny nods. “Then you carry on as you are. Look after each other, be there for him, do what you can. Talk to him, make sure he knows that you're there to help. You're in love and committed long-term and that's a lovely thing to bring a child into.”

After another long hug, he thinks about going outside to tell his dad when his mum reads his mind and suggests he waits until he has more facts. He hates keeping anything from him, although he can see her point and accepts that she knows her husband and how he might react. Danny hopes he and Ryan will get to that level of compatibility one day. With the secret out, if only to his mum, Danny still feels considerably lighter and more positive. His mum has always made him see sense when he needs it the most, so when he notices the time he doesn't panic. Instead, he leaves her arms and house after saying a quick hello to his dad, happy in thinking that he should be getting back to Ryan.

He's in Leeds again when he gets another idea and he makes a quick stop at the nearest Sainsbury's. If they have some big news to mull over, they should at least eat a breakfast of kings. He buys everything he can think of for one of his epic fry-ups and buzzes with the energy of doing this for him, for them. He's trying to help already and it feels good. He'll cook and Ryan will grow a human. The balance is unequal, but Danny plans to fill the gaps and right the seesaw with his continued presence.

It's practically an anti-climax when he arrives back home to a quiet house that's not the same quiet as before. Now it feels a lot calmer and relaxed because he is and although It's not like Ryan to be in bed this long, Danny figures he can let him sleep until he's ready to come down, hopefully eat and tell him more. He shoves the bags full of groceries onto the kitchen island and snatches up the note to put it in the bin, rolling his eyes at himself for the soppy _love you x_ scrawled hastily at the end as he suspects Ryan will need to know that. He looks up at the ceiling when there's movement from upstairs as he's unpacking the items and his heart flips when eventually Ryan shows his face. Still not dressed properly, he looks sleepy and comfy in his t-shirt and jogging bottoms and a soft smile tugs helplessly at Danny's lips before he opens his mouth to ask how he is.

As they start to have a heart-to-heart, Danny instinctively gets the feeling that they're going to be alright.

\---

Around 8 o'clock in the evening, Danny and Ryan come home from a long day's work to two excitable dogs and growling stomachs. It's been less than two months since they found out about Ryan's pregnancy and he's not showing at all yet, his symptoms much more internal for now, including the rollercoaster of his appetite. In recent weeks, he and Danny have taken to sometimes eating completely different meals, dependent on how Ryan feels, so it's of great surprise to Danny when Ryan goes straight to the kitchen with the offer to cook for them both tonight.

“What're you doing?” Danny asks cautiously from the doorway, making sure that this is really happening.

Ryan regards him like he's the one that's doing something a little out of the ordinary right now. “Starting dinner, if that's alright with you,”

Danny stops leaning on the doorjamb to come to where Ryan is pulling out pots and pans and ingredients from the various cupboards and stops him for a moment to slide his arms around to his front from behind. It's mad to think that his hands are touching a place that is helping to grow their baby. “Y'know, sometimes I wonder if you're actually Northern at all,” he teases, kissing Ryan's neck, “'cause you're clearly about to make a late _tea_ ,”

Ryan tuts back, “Semantics.”

“Oh yeah, talk dirty to me, babe,” he groans theatrically, hand drifting down.

Ryan's hand to his wrist prevents from going anywhere near his cock and Danny relents quite easily because he does love watching Ryan cook, how nonchalantly he moves between one thing and the next, how he never looks anything less than in complete control, but he guesses that has something to do with the many odd jobs he had in the middle of sporadic acting roles as he's rather handy with a toolbox as well. Danny's more of a chuck everything about, chuck everything in and hope for the best instinctive chef and would much rather hire a professional to come and fit or repair something unless the problem gives him an opportunity to ogle Ryan trying to solve it first.

Danny leaves him to it for a while, watching TV and feeding Tommy and Lola or being on the phone to his mum then returns when food is bubbling deliciously on the hob and Ryan's stood against the countertop, sifting through the post until Danny plucks the likely bills out of his hands and presses him back into the island instead. Ryan accepts the kiss and tries to capture his fingers when they go wandering up the hem of his shirt.

“It'll be ready soon,” he says gently, thinking that'll distract Danny enough, but he's bored and lustful and looking for some fun and he nuzzles below Ryan's ear.

“Turn it down.” he whispers, “We can have it later.”

“I thought you were hungry now?”

“I'd rather have you,” he retorts cheesily, aligning their bodies perfectly.

He's unwilling to let Ryan go, so they shuffle to the cooker to turn the food to a simmer so it's not ruined, but won't make the kitchen catch fire in the middle of them indulging in a little play time either. He holds Danny's face in his palms because it's a natural thing, but goes with it as Danny takes charge, kissing him fervently and manhandling him to lean on the island for support. At one point, with his tongue in Ryan's mouth, he tries to push him onto it but he resists, complaining that it'll be too hard to withstand and Danny bites his lips to stop himself making the obvious joke.

Their compromise is a good one because Danny has no qualms about being on his knees for Ryan, holding his shirt up with one hand as he trails kisses down his torso and eases to the floor. He spends a while on his midriff, high on the idea of a glowing Ryan getting bigger, rounder, their baby making itself known in his body instead of the slight softness at his belly, then sits back on his heels to undo Ryan's jeans, glancing up to silently ask the question and waiting for the nod before he peels them from his long legs. Leaving his underwear for a moment, he breathes along the waistband and down, tracing the shape of his hard cock with his lips. It twitches under him and he can't see the wetness of his kisses because they're black today, but he can feels how Ryan responds, the hands landing in his hair shakily. His own dick throbs, but he keeps his hands busy between steadying himself on the solidity of the island and caressing Ryan's nearly naked lower half. 

He wasn't sure what he was going to do except he knows he wants him, needs him and both his hands briefly go around him when he yanks Ryan's boxers off and his cock springs free. He gives his length a long lick and feels tingly as Ryan's hands tighten at his scalp, close to guiding him onto it. Needing no such encouragement, Danny twists his tongue around the wet head and tastes skin and the hint of mint from the chewing gum he had earlier to stave off his hunger and put his plan of distraction into action. One hand working what his mouth is yet to reach and the other on the back of Ryan's thigh, he feels the goosebumps there and rubs to warm him back up, surprised that he's so sensitive. It isn't the first time they've been a bit sexy somewhere other than their bedroom, although it has been a little while since the fateful night of conception and Danny feels him start to soften. 

He sucks him down a few inches and Ryan's cock twitches again, this time in his mouth. He's interested, but squirming on the hard edge of the island, so Danny lifts his hands, placing them between the surface and Ryan's back, moaning at Ryan's hips naturally pushing forward. He can smell and hear the low level hum of the cooker, the TV accidentally still switched on in the living room and the squeak of dog toys as Tommy and Lola play in there too and yet what matters is Ryan's breathing picking up above him. He has no hands left to touch himself, so he has to be content to roll them in the air, his cock rubbing into the zip of his jeans. That's not exactly comfortable either and Ryan's erection is indecisive at best, even in the face of Danny's determination to make this good for both of them.

The moment is truly ruined when he tries to get Danny closer and hears the noise of the dog toy again, only now it sounds a lot nearer.

“Shit!” he yelps, pushing at Danny's shoulder, “Shit, shit, shit!”

Finally giving up, Danny pulls off his cock with a cough and looks up at him, disappointed. “What?”

With Ryan unable to vocalise it, he half turns on his knees to see Lola in the doorway. Their lovably ditzy dog has her favourite toy in her mouth and her head tilted like she's casting harsh judgement on them for thinking that this was a good idea. Danny sighs and rests his forehead onto Ryan's stomach, his shirt covering it and his hand consoling him by touching the nape of his neck. It makes Danny giggle and, after a beat, Ryan follows until there's proper laughter spilling from them. It shakes Ryan's body underneath his head in a good way, not freezing his arse off but happy and Danny staggers to his feet to kiss him deeply on the lips as a parting gift before the mutual decision to call it quits and Ryan returns to making their meal.

They eat and afterwards Danny offers to do the dishes to make up for the subpar blowjob experience, so Ryan leaves him to it. Later, he's in their bedroom having a read through his lines for next week when Danny comes in, promising he has a better surprise than the one earlier. The dogs are asleep in the kitchen with the door closed and he drags Ryan into the living room, smiling when he looks awed at the scene before him. Danny has transformed the room into something cosy and intimate in the dark, clusters of tea-light candles on every safe space, all the cushions from the sofa arranged on the floor with blankets for comfort and warmth. He steps in front of Ryan, smoothing his hands down his arms.

“Wanna get lucky?” he smirks.

Appreciating his attempt to right the wrongs, he smirks back. “I might do, if you convince me enough.”

Taking him by the hand, Danny directs him to get comfortable with the cushions around them and Ryan reclines with the blankets underneath him as Danny straddles his waist. Ryan raises his eyebrows at him like a _Well? What now?_ and, mouth tipped upwards sexily, Danny reaches behind his neck for the collar of his t-shirt. It might've been more effective with a proper shirt, like a striptease, but he's not sure either of them would've lasted without bursting into helplessly childish laughter, so he makes do and pulls his t-shirt off, throwing it next to them. Besides, he's got Ryan's shirt because he's the kind of guy to wear one to work and home, much more casual than Robert but Danny uses it to his advantage by undoing the buttons slowly and following the reveal of skin with his lips. With no time yet to go to somewhere sunny for a holiday, his darker freckles stand out against the paleness of his skin, patches turned golden in the flickering candlelight and he deliberately traces them with his fingers until he gets to his jeans. They'd passed this earlier when Danny tried to blow him, but he still gets a thrill at undressing him and Ryan letting him. His breathing is deeper but he's mostly soft, so Danny leans forward and kisses him.

“Want me to suck you off again?” he asks between small pecks, “Finish it this time? Want me to fuck you? Know how much you like that,”

He presses a gentle hand to Ryan's stomach, can't wait for him to start showing, but he shakes his head and his hand drifts back down again to rub over his open jeans. They trade kisses for a while longer and Danny pushes their crotches together to share his arousal, pleased when Ryan grips his hips tighter. What he's not expecting is for him to use the leverage to reverse their positions, pinning Danny to the floor and taking charge. Danny rolls with it and offers his legs for Ryan to undress his lower half. When he's naked and he settles in between the lazy sprawl of Danny's thighs, he finds Ryan hard now and he knows what he wants. 

Having planned everything to the last detail so they wouldn't have to move for anything, Danny hands over the lube but not the condom yet, grinning because the absence of this little thing has hopefully changed their lives forever, providing Ryan makes it to 12 weeks and then beyond. He pulls him close with his feet and runs his fingers from Ryan's hair to the dip in his spine and into the back of his underwear to squeeze his arse. They rut like they're already fucking and Danny can't stop touching him, carefully putting the foil between his teeth like he's going to tear it free but really so he'd have both of hands to be greedy. The softness of Ryan's boxers is madness on his bare skin, his jeans zip a scratching in literally sharp contrast and he shivers as Ryan bites into his bicep. They're not usually so possessively-minded, but he can't complain, only yank the rest of Ryan's clothes to his thighs to show his matching eagerness. Eventually, he kicks them off to join the pile Danny's made and makes to move down his body to get a good look at what he's doing when Danny holds him by his broad shoulders. He wants them to stay like this, pressed together lightly sweating and able to see the blue of Ryan's eyes disappear as they dilate. Danny couldn't quite put candles all around them just in case they needed a quick way out, so half of his face and torso is sometimes in shadow and he's never looked better.

As Ryan gets an arm below his neck for purchase and his wet fingers stroke briefly over Danny's cock before sliding against his hole, it's hard to understand why they've never done this before. Maybe now it's hitting him that he's moved in and he's going to be a dad and for a while they'll have to get all the sexy stuff out of their system now. Ryan kisses him as he's about to push his first finger inside and Danny grips his cock loosely, relaxing easily. He leisurely gets himself off until he feels ready and then taps Ryan on the arse to let him know, reaching for the condom. A laugh stutters out of him as Ryan grabs his wrists and presses them into the cushions. They're sticky with lube and have been inside Danny, but it all pales into comparison as Ryan takes the condom clutched in his pinned left hand carefully with his teeth, finally freeing him to sit up and tear it. 

Danny's favourite thing to do is to lean up on an elbow and stroke Ryan's dick before he puts it anywhere, feeling the length of him out and remembering what it's like to have him deep. The reality still hits him in the solar plexus and he's helping Ryan with more lube before he lays flat and Ryan's hand is covering his chest as he slowly slides in. Once he bottoms out and Danny is comfortable, he picks up the pace and gathers Danny's legs, moaning as they rest on his shoulders and Ryan's hips moving steadily back and forth as he sits on his haunches. In the midst of being fucked into the floor, Danny manages to get a hand to Ryan's hip and then inwards, returning to his flat belly.

“Can't wait for you to grow.” he groans, whimpering when Ryan's hips punch harder, “Yeah, I said it. Not gonna be able to do it like this in a few months with baby in the way and I – I fuckin' love it! You're gorgeous, babe – you're gonna look so sexy – _oh god_ , you're fuckin' me so good!”

He shouts and Ryan falls forward with a growl, Danny's legs moving to cling to his waist because he wants Ryan near and it's hard to kiss when folded up like a pretzel. Shaking, he uncurls his hand from the blankets and coats it with slick, listening to Ryan panting in his ear, and sacrifices fisting his own cock to tuck two fingers into him and clenches when Ryan does, both of them vocal.

“Not gonna – last if you keep doing that, I'm so – close,” he gasps, sucking at Danny's ear and along the rasp of his beard.

“It's okay,” he soothes, trying to stimulate him into coming first, “I want you to come – come inside me – I wanna come inside _you_ again.”

With a helpless sob into Danny's neck, Ryan shudders and lets go, groaning when their lips feverishly connect. He might not have the ability to conceive when fucked bare, but Ryan fucking him deep and fast as he likes is enough to make Danny come anyway, trembling as Ryan slows but doesn't completely stop or pull out.

“Tell me if it's too much,” he smiles hazily, thumbing at the come messy on Danny's skin.

He wants to tell him off, but he too sated to do anything but put his arms around Ryan's neck until he's covering his body, flushed hot and both of them bone tired. Minutes later, it transpires that only a twitch in Danny's face is enough to signal when he's had enough and Ryan withdraws, feeling a bit weird about putting the condom anywhere downstairs. He returns from the bathroom with a flannel and mistakes Danny's look of awe for that.

“It's only to clean up,”

“No, it's not that.” Danny shakes his head, waiting for Ryan to lie back down to have his second, third, fourth touch to his stomach. “I meant every word y'know. You're pregnant.”

“I am.” 

Probably getting bored of Danny going on about it, Ryan manhandles him so that they're pressed chest to back away from most of the candlelight. Danny will pull up the thrown top blankets when he remembers how to move and when he feels like breaking from Ryan's strong arms. It's addictive how safe and loved he feels and he only hopes it's mutual as there's that voice, telling him he needs to protect Ryan now, for both their sake and their baby.

\---

Not going to work with Ryan everyday is strange and Danny feels like he's being too clingy and overprotective because of it. Reaching 7 months pregnant, the baby is progressing nicely and Ryan is fit and healthy and, most importantly, happier than he has been. They'd had sex a few days prior after Ryan not emotionally feeling his best as he hit three months of his pregnancy and weeks of hesitation and it was amazing to feel physically close once more, pulling Ryan onto his lap despite his protests. Danny suspected it was because he thought he was too heavy by now, his bump round and stretching his skin as he coaxed Ryan on top. It was easier this way for him too, leaving his hands free to roam the silvery marks that snaked at his naked hips and allowing him full view of his beautifully hard cock. He'd felt his orgasm like an explosion bursting from him, coming a lot and making him breathless. The recaptured intimacy is part of the reason why he doesn't want to go, but Ryan knows all his tells and he kisses Danny's cheek that morning before easing slowly out of bed. Danny stares at his gait as he walks to the wardrobe, more in the hips than ever and so gorgeous it makes Danny want him again and again.

Recently, Ryan's been opting to stay in t-shirts and jogging bottoms and the odd pair of comfortable jeans procured from Ryan's mum, the same as the leggings he valiantly tries to do gentle yoga in. Today, he shimmies into jeans, bump held by a wider waistband with no zip, and slips into one of his white shirts. When he turns around, Danny can't help his grin. The buttons strain marvellously and _proudly_ and he's proud of how far Ryan has come since counselling and deciding to continue this journey. A big coat should disguise most of the added weight around Ryan's middle because he's still smaller than a lot of pregnant women at this stage and Danny meets his eyes to which he nods. He hadn't even been entertaining the thought that Ryan would leave the house whilst he was in work and feels silly for it.

“I've got things to do,” he grins, coming to stand by the side of the bed to grab Danny's hand, “so you need to get your arse in the shower and go to work.” He tugs on Danny's outstretched arm and the sheets fall down Danny's body but he scoffs when it reveals him in his boxers, cock starting to swell. “You're on your own, mate. _Shower_ and leave me alone.”

With a sigh, Danny sits up to stroke briefly over the shirt covering Ryan's belly. “Your daddy's being very mean to me, Peanut.”

“Peanut?” Ryan looks down at him, his hand automatically threading into Danny's hair as he talks to their baby. “Think it's a bit bigger than a peanut.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, well. Grapefruit is a bit of a weird nickname for a kid.”

Confident that Ryan is alright with him going to work and he's the one with the issue, Danny showers briskly, feeds Tommy and Lola and leaves for the studios where he bumps into Dominic, Isabel and Mike outside Makeup. They seem to be having a friendly chat before they go their separate ways, Mike's arm casually slung across Isabel's shoulder. As Victoria and Ross they don't tend to have many scenes together and Danny wonders whether that's hard considering they're a couple off-screen. Maybe it's refreshing, to come home after a long day's work and their time together is their own, but even so Ryan not being here anymore makes his chest ache as they're different. They do work together a lot and are in a real life relationship, so it feels like he's missing out now. 

Dominic catches sight of Danny first as he comes down the corridor and his face breaks into a smile. “Hey, how's - ”

“I'm fine, thanks, mate,” he interrupts, eyes widening in pointed warning.

Dominic knew about the pregnancy just after Lucy accidentally found out because Danny is incapable of keeping anything from the man who's taught him so much, about the job and life itself, and it felt wrong to tell one 'parent' and not the other. They want to keep the news, or at least the truth of it, to their inner circle of castmates-cum-friends and Danny's leaving the likes of Isabel up to Ryan. When he sees her standing there none the wiser, Danny itches to tell her, especially when Mike pipes up from beside her.

“Where's loverboy this morning?”

Isabel rolls her eyes and hits him in the chest with the back of her hand like a silent pass for Danny not to tell them anything, but the lie comes surprisingly effortlessly. “He's ill. Stomach bug and wants me around as little as possible in case I get it next.”

“Aw, that's quite sweet.” Isabel coos then looks up at her boyfriend, “Would you do that for me?”

“Of course, babe,” Mike reassures and Danny holds back his laughter as best he can because Mike doesn't look that convincing to him. The four of them stand there for another couple of seconds and Danny can see that Dominic is itching to ask after Ryan properly. He's about to pull him away with an excuse when Isabel does it for him with Mike, kissing him chastely on the lips then leaving for the Woolpack set. Mike goes elsewhere and it's just Dominic and Danny left. The door to the makeup room is open nearby, so Danny gestures him to take a walk with him.

“Sorry about earlier.” he winces, “I'm guessing by your reaction that Isabel doesn't know about Ryan. I wasn't used to seeing you without him,”

“And I am?” Danny huffs. His chuckle sounds hollow though and Dominic's sympathetic glances makes him stop strolling through the corridors, shoulders slumping. “I miss him. That's weird, right? I can go home to him and Peanut every night.”

“Peanut? Knowing what Jo went through, I think I can say your baby is bigger than one of those at this point.”

Danny smiles more genuinely this time. “That's what Ryan said. It's just a name because it felt wrong to keep calling our baby 'it' and 'them' didn't sound as funny.”

“Oh Danny,” Dominic claps him on the back, squeezing his neck, “of course you miss him. You spend so much time together and this means you're not, but you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be a family.”

“Well, he did kick me out this morning,” he points out, feeling as good as when he first visited his mum to tell her what was happening. She phones at least once a week and has longer conversations with Ryan than him. He'd be jealous if it didn't please him so much to see their families knitting together even more than before. “He said he had 'things to do', so I guess I should stop worrying about being apart. Thanks, Dom.”

“Any time, son.” he winks, “Listen, I saw on the call sheet that we're shooting in the Woolie today, so I'll see you in there.” 

Dominic isn't here now though or later, nobody is. Danny is alone at the hospital, sat in a quiet room with no Ryan and no sign of Rémi either and the unknown is driving him insane. The operation was only supposed to take 45 minutes and it's been 10 minutes since the complications and the nurse had stuck him in here. She'd offered to call someone for him, but he refused, feeling like it was better coming from him. He'd made the phonecall brief and clear and his head is in his hands when the door opens slowly. Fearing it's the friendly nurse coming to check he's not climbing the walls or, worse, Mr McCreedy with bad news, Danny keeps his head down and his eyes squeezed shut. A tear spills out when a hand brushes the crown of his head, warm and comforting and dry fruity perfume falling over him like a blanket and he barely has time to look up before he's in the arms of Ryan's mother. She's on her own and now Danny isn't anymore and he holds on tighter in gratitude.

Like waiting for a bus and two come along at once, someone else comes into the room and Danny looks up from Ryan's mum's shoulder to see Mr McCreedy. He's dressed the same as when Danny saw him last and looks remarkably clean. Danny would worry about it if he had the energy to do more than jump from his seat.

“Ryan Hawley's family?” he smiles, looking curiously at the blonde woman standing next to Danny.

“Yeah, this is his mum.” Danny says.

“It's a pleasure.” he answers genially, offering her his hand, “My name's Mr McCreedy. I delivered your granddaughter.”

Her hand flies to her mouth. In all his sadness and shock, Danny had forgotten to tell her. “A baby girl?”

“Yes, and she's as healthy as expected. A little underweight, but she's successfully had her first feed courtesy of the nurses following the completion of all her post-natal checks. We'll be making sure that there's no issues in the next day or so, but she should gain the weight needed pretty quickly.”

“What about Ryan?” Danny butts in. He feels guilty for it, but if they were in danger and he had to choose then Ryan would always win. “Is he alright? What happened? I know I should've listened to him about the dangers, but I didn't think it'd mean this,”

“Neither did we.” Mr McCreedy says, matter-of-fact. “At the point of delivering your daughter, Ryan suffered an extensive tear that caused a haemorrhage in the reproductive organ. The blood loss was significant enough for a loss of consciousness, but my team and I quickly managed to repair the damage to ensure his oxygen levels fit well within the parameters of complications from this particular operation. He is currently stable and in recovery if you would like to see him. There's a possibility he won't be awake quite yet and if he is, he might be incredibly groggy, but you are welcome to sit with him until he's transferred back to his room.”

Although Ryan's wellbeing matters to him the most, now that Danny knows he's alive and recovering, he feels like he can concentrate on his daughter. “You can go see him,” he offers to Ryan's mum, her eyes glassy with emotion, “I have someone I need to see first.”

Her smile shows she understands and he feels coy about it anyway, promising not to be gone too long as she leaves to visit Ryan and the friendly nurse from earlier leads him to the nursery. He watches from the large window as she goes into the room and talks to a colleague. It must be alright because she comes out with a white bundle in her arms, a pink hat on a tiny head and Danny sees his daughter for what feels like the first time all over again. The tension drops out of his shoulders as the nurse hands her over, blissfully asleep rather than crying her little lungs out. Her skin is still as pink as the hat, but her fingers are curled around the edge of the warm blanket and Danny counts them silently, all ten present and correct. He'd be tempted to get her toes out as well to check if she didn't look so peaceful and comfortable. Close to his chest, he can feel the fast beat of her heart and the mix of strength and fragility that makes up every newborn baby. She's here, she made it, and she's his and Ryan's forever.

“I'll leave you two alone for a bit,” the nurse tells him, clearly amused by how taken he is with her.

“Sure, thanks.” he mumbles before something occurs to him and he has to force himself to look up, “Oh! Can I walk around? Maybe take her to see her grandma? She's visiting my boyfriend, but it's not far.”

“Okay. For no longer than 15 minutes in total.” she instructs.

Danny nods in agreement to the terms and waits for the nurse to get back to work before he looks at his baby once more. He has a _daughter_. It floats through his mind like the one true constant, joining his love for Ryan and his loyalty to his family. As if sensing she's being closely watched, she squirms a little and screws up her face. For a second, he's terrified of her screaming and the deserted corridor suddenly filling with professionals to take her from him, but he finds himself swaying from side to side very slowly and her expression smooths out. 

“Hi Rémi. I'm your Dad.” he whispers. 

It has been the longest early hours of the morning of his life, not knowing if she or Ryan were going to survive and even though he's talking to her as she sleeps and she won't be able to talk back for months yet, Danny doesn't regret a single thing that's led him to this moment. He paces back and forth for a while and huffs a quiet laugh as he thinks, sniffing to help his teary eyes to go away. 

“I don't know why that's your name, by the way. Blame your other Daddy, but I'm sure he has good reason.” Making sure to keep his palm underneath her body in the striped babygrow they'd brought with them in Ryan's things, Danny strokes the tip of his finger of his other hand onto hers. Rémi twitches and then his finger is captured by her fist. She holds on tight with quite a grip. “You're a little fighter, aren't ya? Well, I'm so glad you're here. And you're never gonna want for anything...” 

He pauses and stops walking to press a gentle kiss to her wrinkled forehead. He wonders if that will stay or if it's just a baby being a baby. He hopes it's the former because then he can tease her and Ryan that they have the same forehead. In the move to kiss her, the pink hat slides back a little, allowing him to see the fine and sparse dark hair on her head. Ten fingers and toes, a wrinkly forehead and a smattering of dark hair, she's already the cutest human Danny's ever seen and she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. He sighs happily, content to keep talking as she holds onto him and he keeps her near his chest.

“You'll have such a big family who'll love you to bits and I'm not just talking about me and your Daddy and your grandmas, but Auntie Izzy and Isabel, Uncle Adam and Mummy Lucy - ” His mouth twists in a grimace, “ - Who's not actually your mummy. She's sort of mine but hey, it's complicated, kid. I'll tell you when you're older.” He chuckles quietly as her fingers loosen. “I'm boring you, am I? Okay, just know that whatever happens, me and your Daddy are here for you, always, no matter what it is, you come to us. You've already made our lives better and we're gonna try really hard to make sure you have the best life in return. How does that sound, eh? Shall we go see Daddy and ask him?”

With about five minutes before the nurse comes to track him down if he's not back by the nursery in time, Danny carefully but speedily follows the signs and carries Rémi to where Ryan is. Slipping through the curtain blocking off each patient in the recovery room, Danny edges round to stand opposite Ryan's mum as she sits in a chair by his bedside. In all the excitement of a new arrival, he hadn't thought to prepare himself for what he might see but luckily Ryan is only sleeping. There's an oxygen mask still stuck to his face and a few beeping machines, but he'll take that over his head lolling lifelessly to one side and the thought of his body in tatters. He almost wants to rip the blanket off him, to see for himself the damage that's been repaired but he's got his hands full and Ryan's mum stops holding her son's hand to shuffle towards them. 

She gives Danny a watery smile, her dark blue mascara comically ruined. No doubt she had a little cry whilst Danny was away, because of how frightened she must've been for Ryan and her grandchild. “She's beautiful.”

“Your son's a clever man to grow her,” he jokes.

“And don't you forget it.” she says like a comeback but Danny hears the threat underneath, even though her gaze is solely fixed on the baby. “So, does this beautiful little one have a name yet?”

“Rémi. Rémi Jane.” He shakes his head when she glances at him, curious. “Ask your son. He was about to tell me why when he – when he - “ Hit with the memory, he can't make himself say it and thinking is bad enough. _I thought he was going to die_. The here and then gone nature of the emergency, awake and then not, and possible blood spilled unseen. It was too much to bear then and it's no different now as he forces himself back to the present with a blink of his eyes. He sees the motherly concern in Ryan's mum's eyes and gives her someone else to focus it on. “Do you wanna hold her?”

“Absolutely. Come on, little one, come to your grandma. I've been looking forward to meeting you for a long time.” she says, accepting Rémi from Danny.

She continues to talk and he realises that his parental instincts weren't far off in the job of keeping her quiet. She seems to like being talked to, if her calm is any indication, and he watches them together to only wish Ryan was awake to see this. Like any proud father, he wants the whole world to see how utterly enchanting his daughter is and this is the beginning of another chapter. He imagines them going through the journey again, of having a noisy brood, and it just fills him with joy.

“Do you think we'll be able to have more?” he blurts out. “Like this, I mean.”

She doesn't try to be funny and deliberately obtuse, she knows what he's asking, and she sighs tiredly. “I asked the same to that surgeon fella and the short answer is they don't know for sure either way. It's pot luck for everyone, Danny, but the odds are always stacked against Ryan's – and those like him – favour.”

It's not the most enthusiastic Yes ever, but it's _not_ No and he looks at his watch to see that his time is nearly up. Disappointed but understanding that Ryan didn't wake up and that Rémi could literally be the only one for them, Danny is content and relieved that they're both safe at least and tries not to be too demanding as he gestures for his daughter. Asleep and none the wiser, he knows she'll be fine in the nursery until Ryan is settled in his room and the sooner he puts her in the care of the nurses, the sooner he can take some time out to be all about Ryan's recovery.


	5. JOY (part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it now because I can't sit on it any longer lol. The proper ending! Part two of JOY. 
> 
> I just wanna say a huge, huge thank you to everyone who has encouraged me with this in the comments here and by sending me messages on tumblr, anons and not. I am genuinely surprised and touched that a fic as niche as this has kept people's attention and I'm glad I got to write it for you. 
> 
> Thank you to the terrible enablers who told me to expand upon the original ficlet: I've enjoyed writing this so much and it's proof that sometimes you know me better than I know myself lol. I'm actually quite emotional to let this fic go as it's been my LIFE for like a solid month. If I wasn't pottering about online, I was writing this fic and now it's finished.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this little mini rollercoaster of an ending. ;) x

Ryan is drifting. 

He is the calmest he's ever felt and wonders if it's the effects of what was given to him during the surgery. The numbness is disconcerting now that he knows his baby is alive and the thought of her makes him open his eyes. He flinches when his field of vision is not a hospital room, but somewhere misty and indistinguishable. It's as if Leeds has been struck with a fog like the London of yesteryear and he puts his hand in front of his face, the edges of his skin blurred and disappeared. Despite the difficulty to see, the space is bright and open and the floor is made of cold, green linoleum. A breeze winds around his legs as, dressed in the regulation hospital gown, he walks forward on bare feet. A couple of steps in, a sharp pain cuts through the previous nothing to make him clutch his middle, eyes wide as he tries to breathe properly. It knocks his confidence and turns his knees into jelly, but he knows he needs to keep going somehow and concentrates on putting one foot in front of the other until he rounds a corner. The air clears and a corridor stretches before him. In the distance, there is a wide pane of glass that looks onto numerous babies. He hears their cries, high and low, weak and strong, altogether and gaps of terrifying silence and breaks into a jog, desperate to know which one is his daughter.

Halfway there, a section of strip lighting flickers to draw his attention up. In a split second, the corridor is plunged into darkness and a force is throwing him backwards, undoing all his hard work. He lands on his coccyx and pain shoots into his spine, prodding his body awake. His abdomen pulses and burns as he sluggishly rolls over from being sprawled out to crawling onto his hands and knees and the hospital gown is moulded to his suddenly hot skin. He still has a slight bump to contend with and it's automatic now for him to support it, his hand settling underneath it without much thought. He gasps when that hurts, falling down onto his forearms when his fingers come away wet. Blood soaks into the material as he feels a tugging sensation akin to the one felt just before his baby arrived into the world, except his body feels distressingly, increasingly open. 

This shouldn't be, all they had to do was stitch him back up. 

All he did is close his eyes for a second.

A second too long to get to her.

A second away from his daughter.

The pain is too much, it makes him want to hide, but he tries to hold it together, the blood seeping between his fingers. His hand is drenched in seconds and that's when he hears her. He knows it's her, her cry, her call to him and his head feels like there's someone pressing him into the floor, but he manages to glance up and there she is. Or rather there's Danny, a blanket bundle in his arms. Ryan remembers that from earlier, the happy tears streaming down his face that he's rarely allowed to indulge in at work.

His energy completely sapped, Ryan stays where he is and waits for Danny to come to him, fixing his eyes on his shoes. When he stops, he looks at the bundle in Danny's arms. She's safe with him, he knows, but he wants to see for himself. He frowns when Danny stares at him, the tears gone and his face stern. He wants to ask what's wrong but can't get his mouth to say it, a gasping breath the best he can do. Danny seems to know what that means and he crouches down. Ryan can feel that he's still bleeding and he's woozy, Danny's image swaying like he's at sea. Finally, Ryan gets to see his baby and his heart seizes hard and crumbles as Danny gestures quickly and the blanket unfolds.

She's not there.

She's disappeared like his hand in the fog.

The lights flicker back on, the babies start crying again and Ryan can't breathe.

Rémi is _gone_.

“Ryan!” He hears his name, firm and loud like a shout and he squeezes his eyes shut, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Ryan, _stop_!”

He is pushed down as the light from the wide, bright room returns and then the same feeling of calm. He wants to search for Rémi, but he's so tired. He curls up on the floor, forgetting about the bleeding, about the sombre look on Danny's face, and dreams only of her.

+

He wakes up again to the steady beep of a monitor, a cuff around his arm and the four walls of a hospital room he recognises, although it's in complete darkness. There's an oxygen mask over his face and he breathes in greedily, trying to get rid of the memory of being unable to. More aware of his body, his fingers twitch by his side on the bed, held tightly, and he tries to make a noise, any noise, when his throat is dry and he feels like he might be sick. Whatever he did, it works, and Ryan turns his head slightly to see Danny also slowly coming round from sleep. He looks like Ryan did when they filmed the aftermath of Super Soap Week, even as he pulls off the blanket haphazardly thrown on him and there's a disorientated moment where he blinks at Ryan until he gives him a small smile and he realises what it means, lurching to his feet.

“Oh god, babe,” he sobs, not sure what he can do now that he's hovering over him. Eventually, he settles for sitting down and rests his elbows on the bed, taking Ryan's hand back between two of his to kiss his knuckles as the one furthest away from him is covered in tape to hold in an IV drip. “I'm so glad you're awake. You scared the fuckin' shit out of me,”

Ryan frowns, not following, and makes a questioning noise.

“You don't remember?” Danny guesses, unshed tears turning his eyes extra bright blue, a thousand emotions crossing his face at once. “You woke up this afternoon, about an hour after you came back from the recovery room and you pulled off the dressing and tried to scratch your stitches out. At that point, I figured you were having a nightmare or a panic attack or something and your mum called for help.”

Aside from the fact that his mum was here, something else sticks out and he tugs down the mask to be able to speak. “Did you say my name?” Danny nods. “I heard that, but it was so...I was so scared.” he croaks. “I saw you, in my dream, and you were holding a blanket to your chest. I tried to get to you but I couldn't, everything hurt and I was bleeding and you came to me, but you weren't holding her. The blanket was empty, she was gone - “ his voice cracks and he bites on his lip to will the tears away, the terror hitting him once again, “our baby was gone and I'm – I'm so – s-sorry,”

Danny lets go of his hand to nudge him with his thigh, perching on the edge of the bed to put his arm around his shoulder. “Hey, hey – shh, it's alright. You're safe, she's safe. She's had her first feed and her first cuddles with Grandma.”

He closes his eyes when Danny kisses his forehead and eases the mask back over Ryan's nose and mouth, encouraging him to take long deep breathes to calm down. The machine went a bit wild, but he calms before it alerts any of the staff and tries to enjoy being close to Danny's chest, warm and loved. He's wearing the same black t-shirt and red checked shirt combination that he started with, but Ryan imagines his scent and finds it comforting. Eventually, he lifts his head to look at him properly and tucks the mask under his chin to speak.

“So, my mum - ” he starts, but now that he's not as emotional and pushing himself, his voice sounds scratchy from disuse. 

“Here,” Danny offers, picking up the plastic cup with a straw from the cabinet next to his nearest side of the bed.

“Thanks.” Ryan smiles after several sucks of blessedly cool iced water, feeling full up with love. Danny's always been good at taking care of him, especially when illness makes him stubborn and unusually crabby. “Mum was here? Did she see - ” he trails off shyly, embarrassed at the thought of his mum seeing him react so badly when he should've been in control. 

“No, don't worry. She was taking Rémi on a tour of the ward or something 'cause she was gone for ages. I think our mums are gonna be fighting over her.” he chuckles, “She said she'd be back tomorrow, maybe bring your sister and try with your brother if you're up to it.” Ryan nods, but he's still stuck on hearing Danny say their daughter's name. He remembers his approval during the operation, but that's a little hazy, so it's nice to hear it like it's fact. Danny clocks this because his eyes slide to the end of the bed. “Speaking of which...”

Ryan's heart rate picks up for a good reason. It's so quiet in the room, so she must be miraculously asleep and he's torn about doing this now, but Danny reaches into the shallow plastic cot anyway and gently lifts her out. Pulling the oxygen mask away from his chin and resting it out of the way on the other side of the bed, there's a spike of fear as Danny holds Rémi bundled up in a white blanket like the one in his nightmare, but it vanishes as soon as her tiny body settles in Ryan's waiting arms. He notices her fast heartbeat, the thin layer of dark hair on her perfectly round head and her surprisingly wrinkled forehead. 

He looks up as Danny carefully sits next to him and grins. “My forehead.”

They're still smiling at each other when either a coincidence or something unfamiliar about Ryan's hold sees her make a tiny noise and grimace. He notices her long eyelashes as they flutter and she opens her eyes. The palest blue, they know it could change over the first year of her life, but the fact that she's even opening them is an achievement itself. She's here, she's beautiful and she's all theirs.

Ryan drops a gentle kiss to her fist curled around his index finger. “Hi, sweetheart.”

It feels like they stay like that forever, staring and appreciating and trying to process the emotional impact she's already had on them until Danny raises his arm and he laughs, wiping his tears with his sleeve.

“Sorry,” he says shyly at Ryan's amused look, “I just – seeing her like this, with you, with us, finally – it's definitely worth it.” He ducks his head and Ryan tilts his so they can find each other's lips in a chaste kiss, pouring everything unsaid into it. Except for one thing. Danny's thumb strokes down his cheekbone as he breaks away. “Are you gonna tell me why you named our daughter then?”

“I had a few options,” he admits, “but that one seemed to fit. It'll fit if we want her to have both our surnames too.” Looking down at her, it feels right. “I read that apparently people with her name have a deep desire for travel and adventure and will go at their own pace in life, not governed by tradition. I want that for her y'know? We're not gonna be the most...well, traditional family, but it won't define us.”

There's a terrifying moment of silence and Ryan thinks he hates it, despite telling him in the operating theatre that the name had his approval. “God, I could kiss you again.” he breathes instead. “Any reason for the middle name?”

“Not really. Sounded nice together.” he chuckles. “Although I'm pretty sure Mum told me once that my great-great grandmother's sister was called Jane. Might've remembered that. It was rumoured that she was a lesbian, actually.”

“Strong name then.” Danny grins, running his fingers over the crown of his daughter's head. “Rémi. Rémi Jane. Oh!” he scoffs, “You do realise what you've done, yeah?” Ryan is clueless. “Who else do you know with the initials R.J? Only _Robert Jacob_ flamin' Sugden!”

Shocked laughter spills out of them until Rémi stirs irritably and Ryan shushes him playfully. “I didn't plan it, I swear.” he snickers when she's closed her eyes and gone back to sleep. “Guess it must be fate.”

“Or your ego is secretly huge,”

“Nothing secretly huge about me, mate.“ Ryan retorts, his gaze catching the little alarm clock that they never use but somehow still own that Danny brought in when he came to hospital. “It's late. I thought they would've kicked you out y'know. They seem strict.”

“The nurses? They are,” Danny agrees, “but I refused to leave. I needed to know you and Rémi were gonna be alright first.”

“Well, we are and we've got plenty of people looking after us, so you can go home and get some kip - ” He talks over Danny before he's had a chance to dismiss the idea, “I'm fine, Danny. I'm sore but that's to be expected and we should take advantage of the fact that this little one is okay with sleeping all the hours.”

“I s'pose I could do with a bed and a shower in the morning,” he sighs reluctantly.

Smirking that he got his way, Ryan lets Danny place Rémi into the cot as a nurse comes in to check on Ryan's scratched incision wound and no doubt throw Danny out. He leaves with a promise to bring whatever Ryan wants and needs and to tell his mum to call in tomorrow and Ryan settles down to sleep, no longer fearful of what he'll find in his dreams.

\---

One of the facts Ryan has found out about being a parent to a newborn baby is that you can't seem to take your eyes off them. It feels like he and Danny have spent their time since yesterday not talking, just staring at Rémi's beautiful little face, even with a room full of their families looking at her too. With a lack of space, Danny has used every excuse to perch on Ryan's bed with him as his parents sit in chairs on one side and Ryan's mum and Tasha sit on the other. The door opens and because no nurse instantly comes forward and the person stays in the doorway, pretty much letting anyone who would walk past have a good look as well, Ryan knows who it is.

“You made it then,” he says, not looking away from his daughter because he knows this is weird enough as it is.

Paul clears his throat. “Er, yeah. Sorry I'm late, work was manic. Congratulations.”

Ryan glances at Tasha, biting his lips around his smile as she rolls her eyes. “Close the door, moron,” she hisses at their brother, “and stop gawping.”

“Well, she is pretty tiny, maybe she's hard to see,” he teases, listening to Paul shut the door and stand against the wall next to it because there are no chairs left. As it is, Rémi is borderline premature but it's a common thing in male pregnancies. Rarely does a man carry a baby to full term and it can be fraught with complications, but Ryan guesses that apart from being a little underweight, Rémi is remarkably unscathed. He lifts his head boldly, suddenly mischievous. “Wanna hold her?” 

He enjoys the way Paul's blue eyes widen as he tries to work out how to politely refuse. Danny nudges Ryan's shoulder gently though, sensing what he's doing.

“He's kidding.” he says, shaking his head at his boyfriend.

Ryan smiles. “Your face! It's a baby, not a bomb. It's your _niece_.” He leaves his brother alone to look at the rest of his family. “Mum?”

To which, she promptly bursts into tears.

“Here, I'll hold her,” Tasha suggests, arms ready.

Ryan sits up slowly and passes Rémi to his sister, feeling a twinge of apprehension but ignoring it because that's his baby sister holding his baby daughter and they'll both be fine. Besides, he's got his mum to worry about. He takes her hand in his. “Mum, please don't cry.”

“I'm sorry,” she sniffs, choking on a laugh at herself in embarrassment. Ryan offers her a tissue from his bedside, gaining another watery giggle as she dabs at her melting makeup and she looks up sharply. “I just never expected to see you do this. I thought I'd ruined your life when I had to tell you what you could do and now I see you, being a father, it looks so natural. It suits you so much and I'm so, so proud of you, Ryan.”

There is not really much he can say to that in response that'll seem worth it, so he does the next best thing and climbs out of bed to wrap his arms around her. Staff have been reminding him to start moving about a little anyway because the sooner he does, the sooner he can go home. He feels his mum sink into the embrace and is glad to be there for her like she's always been for all of her children, a lot of the time by herself.

“You too, Danny,” he hears her say over his shoulder and he squeezes her tighter as that might mean the most.

With the emotion dialled back a bit, Ryan returns to the bed, his hand tucked into the waistband of his jogging bottoms to support his scar. He'd had his first shower that morning since the operation and it had been equally terrifying and glorious. It was quite a moment to see and feel his post-pregnancy body, knowing that it was all just swelling now, there was no baby inside him anymore. It made him feel better to know that Danny was with her, that she was alive and theirs and only a day old, but it had been relaxing to let the warm water wash away the hospital grime and soothe his sore spots.

As he's getting comfortable, a nurse arrives to change the dressing on his scar and although it's not ideal to have family here whilst she does, he figures there is only a few people in the room that might be bothered by it and it's not the women. He meets eyes with Paul when it's revealed, the length spanning the horizontal distance between his navel and almost to the top of his hipbone, right at the place where an appendectomy is usually performed, but slightly raised and puffy in texture and darker than his pale skin tone. Right now, it looks red and irritated, not helped by his nightmare insistence to scratch open his stitches, although he'd obviously failed to do anything but superficial damage. His brother seems to appreciate the gore and he catches Danny's dad curiously watching with a thoughtful expression.

“So is that how you - did she - ” Vince tries after the nurse leaves and Ryan lets his t-shirt fall. He's looking at Tasha rocking Rémi.

“Yeah, that's how she happened.” he grins and reaches for Danny's hand to silently reassure him that people they know and trust can ask as many questions as they want because he knows it's a lot to get their heads around. “It's basically like I had my appendix removed, only it was a baby and my appendix lives on to fight another day.”

“I've got to hand it to you, son, that took guts,” he nods.

“Do you think you'll have more?”

“I don't know, nobody knows,” he says to his sister, “I'm glad she's here in one piece. That's all that matters. In a few years? Maybe.”

“Yeah?” Danny raises his eyebrows, surprised, as they haven't actually talked to each other about whether Rémi would be it for them.

“I'd like to try,” he admits, “God help me, I must be insane.”

“We all think that, love.” Danny's mum pipes up, hand to her mouth as she quickly realises how that sounds, “I mean, not that you're - they say it's the quickest pain we forget, giving birth, and I know you didn't – couldn't, um – oh god, I'm making a right pig's ear of this! What I wanted to say is - ”

“Mum,” Danny stops her flustered babbling, he and Ryan entirely amused, “it's fine. We get it. The women in this family _and_ Ryan are special and me, Dad and Paul are gonna set up a club of our own so we don't feel so left out.”

“Daniel!” she tuts as everyone laughs.

“Are we gonna do that? When our daughter's being a smartarse?” he asks Ryan, kissing their joined hands. “ _Rémi Jane_!”

“Oh, absolutely,” Ryan chuckles, strangely looking forward to it as Danny ducks in and he's already waiting for the kiss. He's going to make the most of the affection in case their very own potential cockblock starts making herself known from now on.

The families chat some more – about everything, not just the new arrival, including Ryan's mum trying her best efforts to get details on upcoming storylines out of them – and Rémi gets passed around for baby talk and cuddles, sometimes awake and more often not. Ryan thinks they're going to have to work on her social skills when they get out of hospital and amuses himself when he looks at her and yawns.

His mum is the first to say they should leave and let him get all the rest he needs and he's grateful enough not to dismiss it. After hugs and kisses goodbye and Ryan getting back out of bed to keep moving and grab Rémi off Danny's mum to put her in her cot, he's left alone as Danny sees their visitors out.

“That was a lot of people, wasn't it?” he smiles, his daughter fast asleep again, “I know your game though. They come to see you and you know you look cute when you're quiet and asleep, like a little angel. Are you my little angel, hm?” He's leaned close to cradle her body and ease her down into the cot and usually he can feel her tiny breaths and see her tiny chest rapidly working, but it's barely there. “Sweetheart?” he says, louder than his happy whisper, as if she's going to answer him with words. In that moment, he'd take her screaming in his face. 

As Danny's mum had given Rémi to him, she had felt a little cooler than normal, used to her being a mini furnace, but he still hadn't thought anything of it. Now, he lightly touches her face, looming over the cot, desperate. She's gone cold. 

“Rémi? Rémi!” He stumbles backwards, frozen sick with panic before something kicks his insides and he lunges for the emergency button on the wall above the oxygen tank, jabbing his whole palm into it repeatedly. The door opens with Danny and Ryan rushes for the door. He must look like a madman because Danny instantly gets out of the way, arms raised.

“Ryan? What is it? What's wrong? What's happened?”

“Help me, please!” he roars, voice cracking as he ignores Danny's panicky questions. “Please! My baby's not breathing!”

He hears Danny gasp behind him as the cavalry arrive and surround Rémi's cot, preventing Danny from picking her up. He does as he's told and goes to Ryan instead, but is shrugged off and Ryan darts forward to do something, anything, tell them to hurry the fuck up and figure out what's wrong with his baby when he doubles over in pain, the intensity of it slicing him like a hot knife through butter, making him cry out. Danny catches him before he falls and a nurse turns around at the commotion.

“Easy, easy,” Danny soothes, Ryan holding his middle and Danny's arms around him, “stop, you're gonna hurt yourself, babe,”

He already has, probably busted a couple of stitches doing too much in his haste, but he doesn't care. He tucks his face into Danny's shoulder, tears springing to his eyes because he hurts and his baby hurts and it's not _fair_.

“Please, Danny,” he splutters, not sure what the hell he's asking him for, but he can't think past the panic and despair, “please, don't let them,”

But he knows they have to take Rémi away and they're swift about it, wheeling her out so that the room is bare of her cot and her as she suddenly fights for her life. He feels Danny's tears stream wetly down the side of his face and they clutch each other as hard as they can, devastated at what this could mean.

Briefly just the two of them, it feels wrong.

\---

Rémi makes it through the next critical few hours.

Ryan would scarcely believe it if he wasn't currently touching a finger to her tiny open palm, his hand through the round hole of the incubator keeping her breathing regulated and her oxygen levels raised. Surrounded by tubes, wires and encased in a big clear box, she looks even smaller now and Ryan doesn't want to let go in case it somehow – stupidly, superstitiously - jinxes her progress, but he hears a quiet tap on the window and looks up to see Danny, returned from his trip home to get him a few more clothes, seeing as they'll be spending longer than planned in hospital. Stitched up again and under very strict orders to take it easy, despite the extenuating circumstances, he and Danny spend as much time as possible with Rémi like this because she knows them now. She knows their smell, the feel of their bodies, how they cuddle and rock her and they help each other stay calm, taking every hour as it comes, treating every hour as a success that she's still living and breathing, if aided artificially.

On closer inspection, the doctors had found that not only was she typically underweight, but a couple of the airways within her lungs weren't working properly. They couldn't say for sure whether her long stretches of sleeping was her being a newborn, recovering and growing, or if it was something more sinister but Ryan has an uneasy feeling in his gut that they're linked. He thought she was a good girl, that he was lucky to have a baby who preferred sleep over wailing and now that's all he wants. How she grips his finger with determination tells him that she's conscious and fighting and it's enough to keep the hope. The doctors seem positive that she'll pull through once her lungs have been given time to heal and then who knows what she'll be like as a baby. He can't wait to see if there's a difference.

“Knowing me, she probably just likes her sleep,” Danny had joked before he left, kissing Ryan's forehead as he sat next to the incubator.

He can tell Danny wants to see him, so with heavy reluctance, he pulls his hand away from his daughter and leaves the room, shutting the door carefully and washing his hands with the gel in the dispenser fixed to the nearby wall. He's not sure who moves first and who hugs who, but they wrap their arms around each other and stay like that for a while, drawing silent comfort and relieved that the worst could soon be over if Rémi keeps on improving.

“How's my little fighter?” Danny asks, muffled by Ryan's shoulder as he holds him. He has all this love, all this need to be a father, that's being blocked. It helps to let Danny burrow into his shoulder and chest, being strong for him since his hysterics earlier on in the day.

“Punching with the best of them,” Ryan manages to smile, kissing his temple.

“That's my girl.”

“The paediatrician's been around. She told me that Rémi's right lung is clear because they used that needle to drain her chest and some fluid came out and hopefully it'll help the left to recover as well, as she won't be working so hard to heal both. If that happens, we can talk to them about taking her off the oxygen.”

Ryan slips his hands to Danny's waist, intending to come out of the hug until he feels a patch on his t-shirt grow wet with tears and he hugs Danny for longer. He'd cried too, beyond thankful for all they had done to make sure Rémi was going to be okay and nearly crushing the poor doctor's hand as he shook it.

They're standing there, swaying slightly, and Ryan's gaze fixed on Rémi with all the other poorly babies when he hears quick footsteps behind him.

“Oi, lovebirds! No loitering in the corridor!” Adam whisper-shouts, followed by his booming cackle. Danny breaks away from Ryan to immediately fall into another hug from his best mate. “I went to where Is told me to go, but a nurse said you and him were up here. What happened?”

Ryan opens his mouth then looks at Danny as he wipes his eyes, unsure if he wants him to tell the truth. Danny shrugs and tells him anyway. “She stopped breathing this afternoon, right after everyone was visiting. I wasn't there, Ryan had to - ”

He swallows and Adam touches the back of his head affectionately, “Bro,” he sighs feelingly, not needing him to say any more. “I'm sorry.”

“She's doing better,” Danny offers, brighter, “Ryan told me they might look into taking that scary machinery shit away from her soon.”

“That's great news!” Adam beams, his arm around Danny's shoulders as he steps forward and gestures to the window. “Which one is she then?” She happens to be the only girl in there as the others are being fed elsewhere, surrounded by a cluster of boys who look even sicker than her, and Ryan's heart clenches as he proudly points her out, back in the pink hat and stripped of her collection of babygrows, kept in her nappy and a blanket for ease of access and so she doesn't get too hot or cold. Ryan's especially terrified of her being cold. Visiting hours are nearly over and it's starting to get dark outside, but even without the warm artificial lights, he could pick her from a thousand line-ups. He hears Adam sigh. “She's a beauty, alright. Definitely takes after her old man.”

“Which one?”

Adam ruffles Danny's hair and tries to tickle his side. “Not you and your ugly mug, mate!”

Ryan's glad that Danny has someone like Adam and he'd known that if Isabel didn't tell him about where he was then Danny would because they're as much best friends as Aaron and Adam Barton are. He smiles at their chat and zones out a bit, looking at Rémi again and itching to go back in, but they usually save that for when it's him and Danny and he doesn't want to be rude, if understandably so. He's brought out of his thoughts to Danny stroking down his arm, covered by his dressing gown and the pyjamas of t-shirt and jogging bottoms as he usually sleeps in his boxers, and Adam looking at him expectantly. He must've asked a question that he never heard.

“Hey, you should be resting y'know. You've had a major operation.” Danny says, guessing that he wants to see Rémi after Adam is gone.

“Listen to 'im, he's actually talking sense for once.” Adam grins at him.

“Okay. Thanks for coming to see us.” he relents, hugging Adam, and then feeling awkward because of what he has to ask. “If you could keep it quiet? We don't want everyone – it's difficult to - ”

“No sweat, bro, I get it! You've got my respect and I'm made up for you and this little scruffball.” He shoves Danny playfully with another joyous laugh. “Take care of yourself, yeah? You'll both be back in work annoying me with your sweet, sweet love and your brat in no time!”

“Come on, I'll walk you out.” Ryan's still smiling when Danny rounds on him as well. “And you, get back to bed. You've had enough walking around for one day and we don't want those stitches coming out before they're ready again. I'll be two seconds.”

He's been saying that a lot since Rémi got into difficulty, as if he feels guilty that he wasn't there when Ryan found her not breathing. He accepts the chaste kiss from him then watches Danny sling his arm around Adam. “I bet you've parked and not paid,” he says, both of them breaking into quiet laughter as they walk away. 

As their conversation fades, Ryan presses his hand to the glass in front of him and leans his forehead there. “Daddy'll be back in the morning, little one. Sweet dreams.”

\---

1260 hours.

7 ½ weeks.

That's how long it's been since Ryan started having Braxton Hicks false labour, had a Caesarean section and a premature baby girl who couldn't breathe on her own anymore.

1008 hours.

6 weeks.

That's how long it's been since his baby daughter was discharged from hospital. 

Lungs much improved and several full days of breathing on her own and feeding well under her belt, she was strapped into her cat seat as Ryan waited for Danny to come and take them home. Now they're doing it all over again to visit the studios. Ryan promised Isobel on FaceTime that he'd show his face at work and since Rémi is definitely no longer in any danger relating to her premature complications, she's coming with him as a little big surprise. Six weeks at home watching her every move, it'll be nice to get out for a change of scenery.

Finally, Rémi Jane Hawley-Miller is getting her first taste of adventure.

Outside, Danny checks the car seat one last time (he's a little obsessive about it) and returns to the house. As soon as he sees Rémi, he laughs.

Ryan turns around at the sound as he puts on his jacket, his slightly baggier jumper making it a little tight in the sleeves to wear leather but he wants to look fairly normal at the same time as disguising his baby weight. “What's so funny?”

“Babe, she's going to the centre of Leeds, not Antarctica!” he chuckles, “We have a summer baby, dress her like it!”

“I was worried she'd get cold,” Ryan defends, even though he's wondering if he has a point and putting her in her puffy outdoor onesie with the fur trim hood is overkill. 

Danny looks at him with soft eyes before he takes Rémi from her car seat. Ryan doesn't try to stop him as he lays her on the sofa to strip her of the all-in-one waterproof coat and snorts when it's revealed that she's already wearing a white long sleeved t-shirt adorned with green dinosaurs and her denim pinafore dress over the top. Thankfully, her legs already bare and Danny reaches for the new blue booties to cover her cute frilly white socks that Auntie Lucy, of his sister variety, had brought with her on her most recent visit that weekend. Rémi gurgles between her fist clamped in her mouth as Danny pulls her upright. Ryan has a sneaky suspicion the poor thing is already teething as she's definitely been a lot more vocal and awake since settling in at home, but is a great sleeper when they need her to be.

“Is that better?” Danny asks, pausing like her noises are her answers, “Yes, it is, isn't it? Fancy silly Daddy putting you in that big thing, I know. You would've roasted on the car ride, never mind getting to the studios. Are you ready to see everyone, are you?”

Ryan pushes down the flare of anxiety-driven jealousy that clearly Danny knew what to do and he didn't and forces a smile when he looks his way, standing up with Rémi cradled to his shoulder then easing her into the car seat for the second time. Draping her lightest blanket across her legs that get preciously chubbier everyday, Danny pulls Ryan to him.

“Stop worrying,” he says, stroking Ryan's elbows because he hasn't been able to do it on-screen for weeks. He knows what this is about deep down and Ryan does suddenly feel like 'silly Daddy' for being jealous.

He kisses Danny to rid his head of his thoughts and looking at Rémi afterwards makes him feel even better, her podgy hand shiny with spit and her blue eyes blinking up at him. It's official – his dark haired, blue eyed baby girl has stolen his heart and he's alright with it.

He focuses on that as they eventually drive to the studios and butterflies start to flutter in his stomach. He doesn't quite know why he feels so nervous as the team are like family to him and to Danny, some moreso than others and he's glad that the feeling melts away as soon as he's through the door. They've arranged to meet a few of the cast at the Woolpack set because it's fairly big, but is completely overwhelmed when he arrives in front of Danny and Rémi to cheers. They spot the baby in seconds and quieten in an instant, Ryan smiling at Danny as for once Rémi is still awake. Usually car journeys put her to sleep within the first mile, but he likes to think she sensed something exciting and different was going to happen today and she had to take it all in, living up to the meaning in her name.

“I can't believe you didn't tell me she was gonna be here too!” Isobel grins, hugging Ryan carefully.

“What, you didn't think I'd leave her at home by herself, did you?” he jokes, watching Emma and Liz fawn over Rémi.

It's strange that Lucy isn't here but she's not back filming until September. It's strange because Ryan's already used to spending a bit more time with her outside of work, both of them taking their babies for walks in the park to break up the monotony of their time off.

“She's a cracker, mate,” Mike offers to Danny stood nearby, extracting Rémi from her car seat.

“Yeah, she's beautiful.” Isabel points at Ryan, “Got your forehead though.”

She waggles her eyebrows, making him laugh. “Shut up!” he says automatically, even though he's said so himself.

“Guess we know who the daddy is then!” Mike jokes, earning him a smack from his girlfriend. Ryan raises her eyebrows at her, amused, because she hasn't told him. His smile tells her she can if she wants, although he's sure it'll blow Mike's mind that a man he knows can bear children.

Ryan shares a look with Danny then as he shuffles closer, Rémi cradled in his arms so everyone can get a good look like people always want to do with babies. It feels good not to be the centre of attention, to just happen to be the baby's parents (and semi-secretly the man who 'gave birth' to her) and he gives Danny the nod. Only Lucy and Isobel know her name and Ryan chuckles at Isobel practically vibrating with anticipation next to him as she realises what's coming.

“So, I'm sure you're all wondering what we've named her,” Ryan grins, “and don't worry, it's nothing too crazy - ”

“Boo!” someone exclaims from the back of the gathered crowd, making everybody laugh.

“Everyone,” Danny declares, his voice soft and full of love and Ryan has to reach around his shoulder, kissing his cheek as he feels the same. “We'd like you all to meet Rémi Jane, or RJ for short. Say hello to our daughter.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, lovelies x
> 
> I'm on tumblr at [theprincessed](http://www.theprincessed.tumblr.com). Come chat to me. :)


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